I've read about people spending half an hour a week (or less) maintaining
their planted tanks. I simply don't frickin believe it! Either they live in
a perfect world or they're doing an awful lot of daily maintenance that's
not being included in the weekly total.

I spend about 45 minutes a week on the GF tank alone, which does not include
the monthly filter cleanings. Just the basic algae scrub, gravel vac and
water change. The planted tank is probably about half an hour, but it should
be a lot more and it's starting to show. If I ever tear it down and build a
real aquascape, I could see spending two hours a week on it.

Today for instance, I did the algae scrub, extended gravel vac (BGA
outbreak), filter clean and larger than normal water change. This probably
took an hour or so. Then I spent another hour disinfecting the floating
plants in Permanganate and doing the same for the large Pagoda (Loach
hideout). This time doesn't include any plant maintenance, other than
scrubbing off the BGA before the gravel vac. Then tonight I'm walking past
the basement door and hear one of the pumps cavitating. Damn, go to check it
out and notice how dirty the glass canopy has gotten. I can't believe I
didn't notice it earlier, so I grab the scrubber and attempt to remove the
white crap. It wouldn't touch it this time. OK, time for the vinegar. Half
an hour later I had the glass pretending to be clean again. But the damn
pump is cavitating again...

So what's your REAL maintenance schedule and tips.

P.S. This post is somewhat tongue in cheek for the humour challenged.