How long will it take to compost?
 

I have started a compost pile to use on my garden next year. The pile has
been in place for several months now, but nothing is happening. Here is
what I have in it: Plastic milk jugs, lava rocks, concrete cinders, several
pairs of old boots, a deer that was killed by a car, and a couple of bags of
household garbage. So far my pile looks nothing like the bags of compost I
can buy at garden stores. Whats the secret to it? Also, how are you
supposed to keep the odor down when composting animals? My neighbors are
really getting angry at me.

There must be a news group for terrible jokes somewhere. Or maybe you
should write for Leno!

Hehe, I suggest you bring the whole lot indoors. Maybe ask some of your neighbours to join in and throw some of their stuff on top of the pile. Stand around the heap looking at it and drinking beer might help too.

"DBB" wrote in
news:jsMMe.35294$084.10080@attbi_s22:

I have started a compost pile to use on my garden next year. The pile
has been in place for several months now, but nothing is happening.
Here is what I have in it: Plastic milk jugs, lava rocks, concrete
cinders, several pairs of old boots, a deer that was killed by a car,
and a couple of bags of household garbage. So far my pile looks
nothing like the bags of compost I can buy at garden stores. Whats
the secret to it? Also, how are you supposed to keep the odor down
when composting animals? My neighbors are really getting angry at me.

Deer don't normally decompose quickly, which is why professionals use
their own leonine compactors (non-pros can call 1-800-RENT-A-LION to ask
for rates). Incidently, after you have received your leonine compactor,
your neighbors will stop being angry, seeing that you are taking positive
steps to solve the odor problem, although some may also suddenly develop
their own bowel problems (nobody knows why) at which point you can turn
the tables and complain about their smell.

Apply some kitty litter to the compost area and soon you will be ready
for the next step. Compaction usually takes at least 24 hours. You
might as well leave some kitty litter for any neighbors who should have
been wearing Depends.

Now most people know composting is about browns and greens. If your
plastic milk jugs, lava rocks, concrete cinders, old boots and garbage
aren't already brown, you will need to smear them until they are brown
with your compacted deer um residue. Don't be afraid to get your hands
dirty. Once you have the browns taken care of, you will need to find
some so called greens. Usually your computer can supply the greens. But
the problem is getting the greens out of your computer. Search your
computer for naive questions from green people (also called newbs or
noobs). In fact you can probably compost your own questions. You need
to get your questions out of the computer and throw them in the compost
pile. If you can't get your questions out of the computer, you probably
should throw the whole computer in the pile. This will solve a lot of
people's problems.

In article jsMMe.35294$084.10080@attbi_s22,
"DBB" wrote:

I have started a compost pile to use on my garden next year. The pile has
been in place for several months now, but nothing is happening. Here is
what I have in it: Plastic milk jugs, lava rocks, concrete cinders, several
pairs of old boots, a deer that was killed by a car, and a couple of bags of
household garbage. So far my pile looks nothing like the bags of compost I
can buy at garden stores. Whats the secret to it? Also, how are you
supposed to keep the odor down when composting animals? My neighbors are
really getting angry at me.



You forgot to pee on your compost pile. The Nitrogen from human pee will
activate the compost.

AFA whining neighbors: get more pitbulls and do more target practice in
your yard. If the .22 isn't loud enough, go ahead and kick for a 12 ga.
shotgun. Those are loud enough to let the creeps know that you aren't a
person to be trifled with, but the shot can be caught by a decent
backstop, so you won't go to jail for accidentily killing the
insufferable old bat who lives next door and has the small
barking-dog-from-hell.

To limit the smell from decomposing mammals, sprinkle the corpses with
lime. It's available at your local building supply store and it's cheap.

Hope That Helps,

Jan

PS: Quit composting your plastic milk jugs. They make dandy water
jugs, to water your garden. Take your K-Bar and cut around the top
pour spout, then enlarge the hole a little bit. Leave the handle intact.
Beats paying $35 for one of them Martha Stewart cutesy-pie watering cans.

--
The way to a man's heart is between the fourth and the fifth rib.