The Complete Military History of France
 

- Gallic Wars - Lost. In a war whose ending foreshadows the next 2000
years of French history, France is conquered by of all things, an Italian.

- Hundred Years War - Mostly lost, saved at last by female schizophrenic
who inadvertently creates The First Rule of French Warfare; "France's
armies are victorious only when not led by a Frenchman."

- Italian Wars - Lost. France becomes the first and only country to ever
lose two wars when fighting Italians.

- Wars of Religion - France goes 0-5-4 against the Huguenots

- Thirty Years War - France is technically not a participant, but
manages to get invaded anyway. Claims a tie on the basis that eventually the
other participants started ignoring her.


- War of Devolution - Tied. Frenchmen take to wearing red flowerpots as
chapeaux.

- The Dutch War - Tied

- War of the Augsburg League/King William's War/French and Indian War
Lost, but claimed as a tie. Three ties in a row induces deluded Frogophiles
the world over to label the period as the height of French military power.

- War of the Spanish Succession - Lost. The War also gave the French
their first taste of a Marlborough, which they have loved every since.

- American Revolution - In a move that will become quite familiar to
future Americans, France claims a win even though the English colonists
saw far more action. This is later known as "de Gaulle Syndrome", and leads to
the Second Rule of French Warfare; "France only wins when America does
most of the fighting."

French Revolution - Won, primarily due to the fact that the opponent
was also French.

- The Napoleonic Wars - Lost. Temporary victories (remember the First
Rule!)due to leadership of a Corsican, who ended up being no match for a
British footwear designer.

- The Franco-Prussian War - Lost. Germany first plays the role of drunk
Frat boy to France's ugly girl home alone on a Saturday night.

- World War I - Tied and on the way to losing, France is saved by the
United States. Thousands of French women find out what it's like to not
only sleep with a winner, but one who doesn't call her "Fraulein." Sadly,
widespread use of condoms by American forces forestalls any improvement in
the French bloodline.

- World War II - Lost. Conquered French liberated by the United States
and Britain just as they finish learning the Horst Wessel Song.

- War in Indochina - Lost. French forces plead sickness, take to bed
with the Dien Bien Flu.

- Algerian Rebellion - Lost. Loss marks the first defeat of a western
army by a Non-Turkic Muslim force since the Crusades, and produces the First
Rule of Muslim Warfare; "We can always beat the French." This rule is
identical to the First Rules of the Italians, Russians, Germans, English,
Dutch, Spanish, Vietnamese and Esquimaux.

- War on Terrorism - France, keeping in mind its recent history,
surrenders to Germans and Muslims just to be safe. Attempts to surrender
to Vietnamese ambassador fail after he takes refuge in a McDonald's.

So, the question begs, why do we care what the French think of America's
determination to take away Saddam's weapons of mass destruction?

The Complete Military History of France
 

I recently received an e-mail that said it all:

"Worrying about going to war without the French is like worrying about
going deer hunting without your accordian."


On 14 Feb 2003 15:47:55 GMT, (Toms Tap Room)
wrote:

- Gallic Wars - Lost. In a war whose ending foreshadows the next 2000
years of French history, France is conquered by of all things, an Italian.

- Hundred Years War - Mostly lost, saved at last by female schizophrenic
who inadvertently creates The First Rule of French Warfare; "France's
armies are victorious only when not led by a Frenchman."

- Italian Wars - Lost. France becomes the first and only country to ever
lose two wars when fighting Italians.

- Wars of Religion - France goes 0-5-4 against the Huguenots

- Thirty Years War - France is technically not a participant, but
manages to get invaded anyway. Claims a tie on the basis that eventually the
other participants started ignoring her.


- War of Devolution - Tied. Frenchmen take to wearing red flowerpots as
chapeaux.

- The Dutch War - Tied

- War of the Augsburg League/King William's War/French and Indian War
Lost, but claimed as a tie. Three ties in a row induces deluded Frogophiles
the world over to label the period as the height of French military power.

- War of the Spanish Succession - Lost. The War also gave the French
their first taste of a Marlborough, which they have loved every since.

- American Revolution - In a move that will become quite familiar to
future Americans, France claims a win even though the English colonists
saw far more action. This is later known as "de Gaulle Syndrome", and leads to
the Second Rule of French Warfare; "France only wins when America does
most of the fighting."

French Revolution - Won, primarily due to the fact that the opponent
was also French.

- The Napoleonic Wars - Lost. Temporary victories (remember the First
Rule!)due to leadership of a Corsican, who ended up being no match for a
British footwear designer.

- The Franco-Prussian War - Lost. Germany first plays the role of drunk
Frat boy to France's ugly girl home alone on a Saturday night.

- World War I - Tied and on the way to losing, France is saved by the
United States. Thousands of French women find out what it's like to not
only sleep with a winner, but one who doesn't call her "Fraulein." Sadly,
widespread use of condoms by American forces forestalls any improvement in
the French bloodline.

- World War II - Lost. Conquered French liberated by the United States
and Britain just as they finish learning the Horst Wessel Song.

- War in Indochina - Lost. French forces plead sickness, take to bed
with the Dien Bien Flu.

- Algerian Rebellion - Lost. Loss marks the first defeat of a western
army by a Non-Turkic Muslim force since the Crusades, and produces the First
Rule of Muslim Warfare; "We can always beat the French." This rule is
identical to the First Rules of the Italians, Russians, Germans, English,
Dutch, Spanish, Vietnamese and Esquimaux.

- War on Terrorism - France, keeping in mind its recent history,
surrenders to Germans and Muslims just to be safe. Attempts to surrender
to Vietnamese ambassador fail after he takes refuge in a McDonald's.

So, the question begs, why do we care what the French think of America's
determination to take away Saddam's weapons of mass destruction?