Lawn Guy said:

Bob F wrote:

This is one of the worst lawn advise postings I think I've ever seen.

Then why did you full-quote most of it?

And why did you not quote the last part pertaining to tree diseases
propagating from leaf litter? Are you also claiming that that was
innacurate, false or fabricated information?

No, dumbass. They obviously claimed that what they quoted was the worst
lawn advice they'd ever seen. They were correct. Please try and keep up.


It's a fact that municipal gov'ts do not want to see cut grass taking up
valuble space in landfills so they invent new propaganda that leaving
clippings on the lawn is better for your lawn.

Source? Other than your own feeble mind, of course.


It's a fact that you will need to mow more frequently if you don't bag
your grass.

No. It's a fact that you need to mow your lawn as often as needed, whether
you bag or not. Are you saying that if you bag it, you can just let it grow
longer, and cut more off of it?


It's a fact that you will need to pay more attention to thatch and that
grass cuttings will promote thatch buildup if you don't bag your grass.

Bullshit. Or, are you the only one that's right, and the major universities
that specialize in turf care management are wrong? I provided one source
(University of Missouri) to back up my statement, in another thread. I'll
happily provide more. I'm still waiting for you to back up yours. Oh,
that's right. You can't.

You obviously don't know shit about thatch, as your repeated statements
about it prove. I even provided the definition for you. Did you have
trouble comprehending it?

At the country club I work at, the *only* grass that gets "bagged" is the
bent grass greens, because of their cut height. They're mowed daily and the
clippings are practically powder. It would tend to cling to a rolling ball.
I don't think the membership would appreciate that. The Zoysia fairways and
Tall Fescue rough *never* get bagged, their clippings are dispersed. In the
six years I've been at this club, I've *never* seen a power rake have to go
out. Not one time. I can guarantee that your lawn doesn't look near as good
as any area of our course.


It's a fact that grass clippings WILL NOT provide most of the nutrients
required by a healthy lawn, and at best will provide only 25% of the
required nutrients and that commercial fertilizer applications will be
necessary anyways.

Noone said that it will "provide most of the nutrients required by a
healthy lawn". Show us where someone said that. Again, you can't.


It's a fact that the thicker the lawn, the more problematic it is to
leave the grass clippings on the lawn. This becomes important as people
resort to over-seeding as a method of weed control vs using herbicides.

Where's your /reliable/ source(s) for all of your 'facts'? Oh, that's
right. It's/they're in your head.

You're related to Stubby, aren't you.

Keep dancing, dumbass. You continuously show you don't know shit about lawn
care.
--

Eggs

-"God is dead." - Nietzsche
-"Nietzsche is dead" - God

Lawn Guy said:

Bob F wrote:

This is one of the worst lawn advise postings I think I've ever seen.

Then why did you full-quote most of it?

And why did you not quote the last part pertaining to tree diseases
propagating from leaf litter? Are you also claiming that that was
innacurate, false or fabricated information?

No, dumbass. They obviously claimed that what they quoted was the worst
lawn advice they'd ever seen. They were correct. Please try and keep up.


It's a fact that municipal gov'ts do not want to see cut grass taking up
valuble space in landfills so they invent new propaganda that leaving
clippings on the lawn is better for your lawn.

Source? Other than your own feeble mind, of course.


It's a fact that you will need to mow more frequently if you don't bag
your grass.

No. It's a fact that you need to mow your lawn as often as needed, whether
you bag or not. Are you saying that if you bag it, you can just let it grow
longer, and cut more off of it?


It's a fact that you will need to pay more attention to thatch and that
grass cuttings will promote thatch buildup if you don't bag your grass.

Bullshit. Or, are you the only one that's right, and the major universities
that specialize in turf care management are wrong? I provided one source
(University of Missouri) to back up my statement, in another thread. I'll
happily provide more. I'm still waiting for you to back up yours. Oh,
that's right. You can't.

You obviously don't know shit about thatch, as your repeated statements
about it prove. I even provided the definition for you. Did you have
trouble comprehending it?

At the country club I work at, the *only* grass that gets "bagged" is the
bent grass greens, because of their cut height. They're mowed daily and the
clippings are practically powder. It would tend to cling to a rolling ball.
I don't think the membership would appreciate that. The Zoysia fairways and
Tall Fescue rough *never* get bagged, their clippings are dispersed. In the
six years I've been at this club, I've *never* seen a power rake have to go
out. Not one time. I can guarantee that your lawn doesn't look near as good
as any area of our course.


It's a fact that grass clippings WILL NOT provide most of the nutrients
required by a healthy lawn, and at best will provide only 25% of the
required nutrients and that commercial fertilizer applications will be
necessary anyways.

Noone said that it will "provide most of the nutrients required by a
healthy lawn". Show us where someone said that. Again, you can't.


It's a fact that the thicker the lawn, the more problematic it is to
leave the grass clippings on the lawn. This becomes important as people
resort to over-seeding as a method of weed control vs using herbicides.

Where's your /reliable/ source(s) for all of your 'facts'? Oh, that's
right. It's/they're in your head.

You're related to Stubby, aren't you.

Keep dancing, dumbass. You continuously show you don't know shit about lawn
care.
--

Eggs

-"God is dead." - Nietzsche
-"Nietzsche is dead" - God

Eggs Zachtly ) wrote:

X-NoArchive: YES

What kind of chicken-shit coward are you?

Why are you afraid of google archiving your posts?

No, dumbass. They obviously claimed that what they quoted was the
worst lawn advice they'd ever seen. They were correct. Please try
and keep up.

Why don't you let Bob F respond, instead of putting words in his mouth.

It's a fact that municipal gov'ts do not want to see cut grass
taking up valuble space in landfills so they invent new propaganda
that leaving clippings on the lawn is better for your lawn.

Source? Other than your own feeble mind, of course.

Practically all internet searches on the topic of grass cutting will
return content claiming that by not bagging your grass, that you're
reducing the amount of material going to landfill.

It's a fact that you will need to mow more frequently if you don't
bag your grass.

No. It's a fact that you need to mow your lawn as often as needed,

Yes it is. You must not cut more than 1/3 of the grass blade if you
want the cut blade to decay at ground level. Any longer and it will
decay at or near the lawn surface, and most of it's nutrients will be
consumed by bacteria or other organisms (or will blow away in the wind
or storm water runoff) and not returned to the soil.

In most cases, not cutting more than 1/3 of the blade means cutting your
grass more frequently at peak growing times - usually every 5 days. And
in fact, even proponents of leaving the clippings on the lawn recommend
raking / bagging during peak growing periods.

Are you saying that if you bag it, you can just let it grow
longer, and cut more off of it?

Yes, I do let my grass grow longer, and I usually do cut more than 1/3
of the blade during peak growing periods. I usually cut my grass every
7 to 10 days - never more frequently. And the grass looks great.

Bullshit. Or, are you the only one that's right, and the major
universities that specialize in turf care management are wrong?

It's politically incorrect to be a proponent of bagging your grass and
nobody will fund a research project that proves the benefits of bagging
your grass.

-----------------
"Grass clippings from mowing do not contribute to thatch. However, once
a thatch layer has developed, clippings may speed its formation."

http://extension.missouri.edu/explor...ort/G06708.htm
-----------------
"Despite popular belief, short clippings dropped on the lawn after
mowing are not the cause of thatch buildup. Clippings are very high in
water content and breakdown rapidly when returned to lawns after mowing,
assuming lawns are mowed on a regular basis (not removing more than
one-third of the leaf blade)."

http://www.urbanext.uiuc.edu/lawnchallenge/lesson5.html

So "short clippings" are not the cause of thatch buildup. Ok, what
about "long clippings" then?
-----------------

Any detailed source of information on thatch will always say that
"SHORT" clippings don't contribute to thatch, or that "FREQUENT" grass
cutting is required to prevent thatch buildup.

-------------------
"Approximately one quarter of a lawn’s fertilizer need can be met by
recycling grass clippings."

http://hoke.ces.ncsu.edu/index.php?page=news&ci=LAWN+6

So that dispells the myth that the lawn can receive all, or even the
majority, of it's nutrition from grass clippings. Some people claim
that their lawn gets all the nutrition it needs from the grass
clippings. They are obviously wrong.

The "don't bag your grass" crowd has given some people the idea that
fertilizer isin't needed.
-------------------

The truth is, grass clippings left on lawns will probably be blown away
onto nearby roads and get washed away in storm water runnoff. The
cuttings disappear, and most people think it's going down to the soil
surface, but I bet most of it ends up in storm sewers or roadside
ditches.

On the internet, many proponents of leaving the clippings on the grass
are lawn maintainence company web pages. Naturally, it's easier,
cheaper and faster for them to leave the clippings when they cut their
customer's lawns, so I'm not surprised that they would rather leave the
clippings on the lawn and say it's good or desirable.

Truth is, it's probably better for the ecology to bag and compost your
grass vs leaving the clippings on the grass for them to dry up and get
blown away and eventually end up in streams and rivers taking their
fertilizer and herbicide residues with them.

You obviously don't know shit about thatch,

You know, I don't have a thatch problem. Because I BAG my grass.

I don't care what you say about thatch. Unless you have a lawn that
you've been bagging for 5 to 10 years, you can't say that bagging your
grass does, or does not, reduce thatch.

If all those experts, if all those university studies, are ALWAYS
dealing with lawns where the clippings are left on the lawn, then how
can they say that bagging DOESN'T reduce thatch ??? To do a proper
test, you need to compare 2 lawns, side-by-side, where one lawn was
always bagged (at least for 5 seasons) and the other one wasn't. Show
me that study. I bet it doesn't exist.

I don't have thatch. I can see right down to the soil surface. I've
never de-thatched.

You want a healthy lawn?

You don't like cutting your lawn every 5 days?

You don't like it when dried up grass is blown around, on your driveway,
your front porch, being tracked into your house or garage?

Then bag your grass.

I can guarantee that your lawn doesn't look near as good
as any area of our course.

And I don't spend a fortune on fertilizer and water either.

Golf courses spend huge on water and fertilizer and pesticides and
herbicides.

It's just plain stupid to compare the care and maintenance of
residential lawns to golf courses. Different grasses, different uses,
different budgets.

Lawn Guy said:

Eggs Zachtly ) wrote:

X-NoArchive: YES

What kind of chicken-shit coward are you?

Why are you afraid of google archiving your posts?

ROFL No fear here. Google could care less about the archive, dumbass. Don't
believe me? Look at the changes they've made to their search abilities.
Google stopped caring about the archive, and it's accessability when they
came out with Google Groups. **** Google. They're about revenue, not the
archive.

What do my headers have to do with the topic at hand, anyway. Oh, that's
right, you can't find anything to back up your claims, so you type anything
that comes to mind.


No, dumbass. They obviously claimed that what they quoted was the
worst lawn advice they'd ever seen. They were correct. Please try
and keep up.

Why don't you let Bob F respond, instead of putting words in his mouth.

If he hasn't put you in the bozo-bin (where you really belong), he'll most
likely reply.


It's a fact that municipal gov'ts do not want to see cut grass
taking up valuble space in landfills so they invent new propaganda
that leaving clippings on the lawn is better for your lawn.

Source? Other than your own feeble mind, of course.

Practically all internet searches on the topic of grass cutting will
return content claiming that by not bagging your grass, that you're
reducing the amount of material going to landfill.

You *do* have reading comprehension problems, don't you. Re-read what I
quoted from you, and called you on. Pay particular attention to:

| so they invent new propaganda
| that leaving clippings on the lawn is better for your lawn.

You then respond with a comment about 'reducing the amount of material
going to a landfill'. That's comparing apples to oranges, dipshit. You
didn't backup your claim even one tenth of one percent.


It's a fact that you will need to mow more frequently if you don't
bag your grass.

No. It's a fact that you need to mow your lawn as often as needed,

Yes it is. You must not cut more than 1/3 of the grass blade if you
want the cut blade to decay at ground level. Any longer and it will
decay at or near the lawn surface, and most of it's nutrients will be
consumed by bacteria or other organisms (or will blow away in the wind
or storm water runoff) and not returned to the soil.

In most cases, not cutting more than 1/3 of the blade means cutting your
grass more frequently at peak growing times - usually every 5 days. And
in fact, even proponents of leaving the clippings on the lawn recommend
raking / bagging during peak growing periods.

Are you saying that if you bag it, you can just let it grow
longer, and cut more off of it?

Yes, I do let my grass grow longer, and I usually do cut more than 1/3
of the blade during peak growing periods. I usually cut my grass every
7 to 10 days - never more frequently. And the grass looks great.

So, now you say you shouldn't cut more than one third of the blade, but you
usually do. You're /really/ gaining credibility here. *rolls eyes*


Bullshit. Or, are you the only one that's right, and the major
universities that specialize in turf care management are wrong?

It's politically incorrect to be a proponent of bagging your grass and
nobody will fund a research project that proves the benefits of bagging
your grass.

Now you're going to whine that you can't find anything about the benefits
of bagging your grass. Maybe because they feel that it's *not* better to
bag. Do you think that the universities, when doing research, don't test
both methods? Most leading turf-management university programs are
recommending *not* bagging.


-----------------
"Grass clippings from mowing do not contribute to thatch. However, once
a thatch layer has developed, clippings may speed its formation."

http://extension.missouri.edu/explor...ort/G06708.htm
-----------------
"Despite popular belief, short clippings dropped on the lawn after
mowing are not the cause of thatch buildup. Clippings are very high in
water content and breakdown rapidly when returned to lawns after mowing,
assuming lawns are mowed on a regular basis (not removing more than
one-third of the leaf blade)."

http://www.urbanext.uiuc.edu/lawnchallenge/lesson5.html

So "short clippings" are not the cause of thatch buildup. Ok, what
about "long clippings" then?

Whether they're short or long, they're *still* 80% water. It doesn't matter
the length.

-----------------

Any detailed source of information on thatch will always say that
"SHORT" clippings don't contribute to thatch, or that "FREQUENT" grass
cutting is required to prevent thatch buildup.

Really? Not according to Ohio State (which, along with UC Davis, is
probably the leader in turf-care management universities).

http://ohioline.osu.edu/hyg-fact/1000/1191.html

"It is assumed that the return of grass clippings to the lawn will increase
thatch. This is not true. Grass clippings are about 75 to 85 percent water
and decompose readily. Thatch is formed from grass parts more resistant to
decay like roots, stems, nodes, crowns, etc."

http://www.coopext.colostate.edu/TRA...TS/thatch.html

"Do grass clippings contribute to thatch?

In a word - NO!

Research shows that turf clippings are from 85 to 95 percent water.
During the summer months these leaves decompose quickly leaving nitrogen
and other beneficial nutrients for the turf. Clippings remaining on the
lawn in the fall may not decompose until warmer weather returns in the
spring.

Plant parts differ in cell wall content, with roots, rhizomes and
stolons containing the greatest levels of lignin and are resistant to
decomposition. Leaf blades contain cellulose and hemi-cellulose that are
readily broken down by microbes. Grass clippings contain little lignin."


-------------------
"Approximately one quarter of a lawn’s fertilizer need can be met by
recycling grass clippings."

http://hoke.ces.ncsu.edu/index.php?page=news&ci=LAWN+6

So that dispells the myth that the lawn can receive all, or even the
majority, of it's nutrition from grass clippings. Some people claim
that their lawn gets all the nutrition it needs from the grass
clippings. They are obviously wrong.

Noone here has made that claim.


The "don't bag your grass" crowd has given some people the idea that
fertilizer isin't needed.
-------------------

Noone in this group has stated anything of the sort.


The truth is, grass clippings left on lawns will probably be blown away
onto nearby roads and get washed away in storm water runnoff. The
cuttings disappear, and most people think it's going down to the soil
surface, but I bet most of it ends up in storm sewers or roadside
ditches.

There you go again, using that cavern between your ears as a source. Please
refrain from saying something is "the truth" if you can't reliably back it
up.


On the internet, many proponents of leaving the clippings on the grass
are lawn maintainence company web pages.

Every source I've given you has been reliable, and not from a 'lawn
maintainence company web page'.

[snipped. irrelevant]


Truth is, it's probably better for the ecology to bag and compost your
grass vs leaving the clippings on the grass for them to dry up and get
blown away and eventually end up in streams and rivers taking their
fertilizer and herbicide residues with them.

Truth again? Again, source? *yawn*


You obviously don't know shit about thatch,

You know, I don't have a thatch problem.

Noone said you did. You seem to be having that problem a lot, here. Do the
voices tell you things, and you simply add them to your posts?

Because I BAG my grass.

I don't care what you say about thatch.

You don't care what anyone says about anything, it appears. You know
everything there is to know, right?


Unless you have a lawn that
you've been bagging for 5 to 10 years, you can't say that bagging your
grass does, or does not, reduce thatch.

There's that comprehension problem, rearing it's ugly little head again.
Please re-read the sources above. Perhaps reading them slowly, or aloud
will help you grasp it better. I'm sure that everyone here is probably
getting tired of repeating it.


If all those experts, if all those university studies, are ALWAYS
dealing with lawns where the clippings are left on the lawn, then how
can they say that bagging DOESN'T reduce thatch ??? To do a proper
test, you need to compare 2 lawns, side-by-side, where one lawn was
always bagged (at least for 5 seasons) and the other one wasn't. Show
me that study. I bet it doesn't exist.

You don't know much about research, do you. Perhaps you should really take
some college courses (try Bio, first), and learn about how it's done,
before spewing your drivel all over yourself.


I don't have thatch. I can see right down to the soil surface. I've
never de-thatched.

You want a healthy lawn?

You don't like cutting your lawn every 5 days?

You don't like it when dried up grass is blown around, on your driveway,
your front porch, being tracked into your house or garage?

Then bag your grass.

Your opinion. Not fact. Please stop confusing the two.

[budget-related whine snipped]

--

Eggs

-Transported to a surreal landscape, a young girl kills the first woman she
meets and then teams up with three complete strangers to kill again. -
Marin County newspaper's TV listing for The Wizard of Oz

"Eggs Zachtly" wrote in message
...
Lawn Guy said:

Eggs Zachtly ) wrote:

X-NoArchive: YES

What kind of chicken-shit coward are you?

Why are you afraid of google archiving your posts?

ROFL No fear here. Google could care less about the archive, dumbass. Don't
believe me? Look at the changes they've made to their search abilities.
Google stopped caring about the archive, and it's accessability when they
came out with Google Groups. **** Google. They're about revenue, not the
archive.

What do my headers have to do with the topic at hand, anyway. Oh, that's
right, you can't find anything to back up your claims, so you type anything
that comes to mind.


No, dumbass. They obviously claimed that what they quoted was the
worst lawn advice they'd ever seen. They were correct. Please try
and keep up.

Why don't you let Bob F respond, instead of putting words in his mouth.

If he hasn't put you in the bozo-bin (where you really belong), he'll most
likely reply.


Actually, I said my piece, and you are doing just fine. Thanks for the backup.

On Nov 7, 2:46*pm, "Bob F" wrote:
"Eggs Zachtly" wrote in message

...





Lawn Guy said:

Eggs Zachtly ) wrote:

X-NoArchive: YES

What kind of chicken-shit coward are you?

Why are you afraid of google archiving your posts?

ROFL No fear here. Google could care less about the archive, dumbass. Don't
believe me? Look at the changes they've made to their search abilities.
Google stopped caring about the archive, and it's accessability when they
came out with Google Groups. **** Google. They're about revenue, not the
archive.

What do my headers have to do with the topic at hand, anyway. Oh, that's
right, you can't find anything to back up your claims, so you type anything
that comes to mind.

No, dumbass. They obviously claimed that what they quoted was the
worst lawn advice they'd ever seen. They were correct. Please try
and keep up.

Why don't you let Bob F respond, instead of putting words in his mouth..

If he hasn't put you in the bozo-bin (where you really belong), he'll most
likely reply.

Actually, I said my piece, and you are doing just fine. Thanks for the backup.- Hide quoted text -

- Show quoted text -

LOL I was wondering when Eggs was gonna let loose on the guy.
We're all in agreement that Lawn Guy's goes in contradiction of
virtually all the credible authorities on turf management.

And some of his logic is quite amazing. He claims that the idea that
mulching clippings and leaving them on the lawn is all propaganda
being generated by municipalities that just want to reduce their
landfill reqts. Asked by Eggs to back that up, his answer:

"Practically all internet searches on the topic of grass cutting will
return content claiming that by not bagging your grass, that you're
reducing the amount of material going to landfill. "


Now following that logic, I could do a google search on the planets of
the solar system and find that practically all the search results say
the earth revolves around the sun, so that therefore qualifies as
propaganda too.

And then he likes to refute claims that were never made. Like saying
that clippings can't provide 100% or most of the fertilizer
requirements of a lawn. No one in this thread ever claimed that.
However, even he acknowledges that they can provide up to 25%. So,
which is better, saves money and is more environmentally sound? To
buy that extra fertilizer or use less? Many communities have
waterways that are being impacted by excess nitrogen, a lot of it from
run off from lawns. It's a major problem here in Barnegat Bay in NJ,
where the ecosystem is changing because of excess nitrogen. It
would seem using less is a good idea. But to this guy, we're just
lazy.

And along the way he makes other bogus claims that are totally false.
Like claiming that grass clippings are high in carbon. Actually, as
far as compost material, they are low in carbon. The paper bags that
folks use to put the leaves in have an order of magnitude more
carbon. And maybe I missed something, but who the hell cares
anyway? The clippings either decompose on the lawn or at some compose
facility and the same amount of CO2 is released.

And now he claims that most clippings don't stay on the lawn but wind
up blown off into the street?

Unbelievable, but it sure shows he has no real experience.

But like I said, and I think you guys would agree, I don't care what
he does with his lawn. I just take offense when some dumb ass starts
calling the rest of us lazy because we choose what are widely
recognized by credible turf pros as sound practices that are good for
the turf, good for the environment, and less work.

on 10/29/2008 11:06 AM willshak said the following:
If no scientific study available, which is better in your experience
or opinion?
Raking all the leaves off the lawn before winter, or leaving the
leaves where they fell, and under a blanket of snow (see sig for
location). If left on the lawn where they fell, would the nutrients be
better released by melting snow, and also provide a smidgen of
insulation for the ground?


Has everyone gotten their frustrations and anger out over this message?
I'm gonna mulch the leaves. It was a matter of timing. My tractor mows
and snowblows, but it involves replacing the mower with the snowblower.
I still have leaves on the trees, but the temperature has been mild for
this time of year (Thank god for global warming :-))
If I replace the mower too early, I can't mulch the leaves. If I wait
too long, I may be replacing the mower for the snowblower while laying
in the snow.
Here in the NE (see sig), My grass stays green over the winter, and in
those places where the late fallen leaves have never been raked up, the
spring grass growth lifts the leaves up and they are removed in the
first mowing of the spring.
I use a contractors grass seed mix, which contains all sorts of grass
seed, from annual to perennial, so I don't know what grass is actually
growing in the spring. In the past I have used annual grass in some
places, but it seemed that they stayed all year.
I would never waste beer on the lawn. If I drink the beer, I don't care
what the lawn looks like! :-)

--

Bill
In Hamptonburgh, NY
In the original Orange County. Est. 1683
To email, remove the double zeroes after @

willshak said:

I would never waste beer on the lawn. If I drink the beer, I don't care
what the lawn looks like! :-)

Sheer profundity! =)
--

Eggs

-George Washington's brother was the uncle of our country.

Lawn Guy wrote:
I'm talking about urban properties - not rural.

Try alt.home.lawn.garden.urban next time, "lawn guy" --lol

Otherwise get lost.

wrote:
willshak said:

I would never waste beer on the lawn. If I drink the beer, I don't care
what the lawn looks like! :-)

Sheer profundity! =)

foamidity!

Would've thought a simple question about leaves on lawns could generate so much venom? I can feel the testosterone coming off the computer screen.

On Nov 17, 9:54*am, Janet Conroy Janet.Conroy.
wrote:
'Steve[_23_ Wrote:

wrote:-
willshak said:
-
I would never waste beer on the lawn. If I drink the beer, I don't
care
what the lawn looks like! :-)-

Sheer profundity! *=)
-
foamidity!

Would've thought a simple question about leaves on lawns could generate
so much venom? *I can feel the testosterone coming off the computer
screen.

--
Janet Conroy

it's the code of the west; don't mess with my ranchland.

Janet Conroy wrote:

[....]
-
I would never waste beer on the lawn. If I drink the
beer, I don't care
what the lawn looks like! :-)-

Sheer profundity! =)
-
foamidity!

Would've thought a simple question about leaves on lawns could generate
so much venom? I can feel the testosterone coming off the computer
screen.

--
Janet Conroy

on a street in a city there is a row of row houses. each
with it's postage stamp size lot of 1/10 of an acre.

Joseph lives in-between two beer drinkers with the above
mentioned regard for the appearance of their lawns.

on Monday Joseph rakes his lawn and because he is a city
person the enormous task takes him all day leaving him only
a few minutes of day light to enjoy his raked and cleaned lawn.

on Tuesday morning Joseph finds all the leaves from the beer
drinker living to his right have during the night blown into
his yard.

Joseph spends all day Tuesday raking his lawn again and yes due
to the enormous task he only has a few minutes of day light left
at the end of the day to enjoy his clean lawn.

on Wednesday morning Joseph finds all the leaves from the beer
drinker living to his left have during the night blown into his
yard.

Joseph spends all day Wednesday raking his lawn for the third day
in a row and yes due to the enormous task he only has a few minutes
of day light left at the end of the day to enjoy his clean lawn.
this time Joseph decides to turn on all 5 of his security lights so
he can enjoy his clean lawn for awhile longer than the previous two
days.

on Wednesday night both beer drinkers living on each side of Joseph
host sports guy hero worshiping parties in honor of their long awaited
annual sports guy event. on Thursday morning Joseph wakes to find his
lawn is littered with beer cans and pizza delivery boxes.

on Friday Joseph attempts to sell his house and move but finds due
to unforeseen circumstances he owes more on the house than it is worth.

on Saturday ....

Per Jim:
on Friday Joseph attempts to sell his house and move but finds due
to unforeseen circumstances he owes more on the house than it is worth.

on Saturday ....

Reminds me a little bit of this one:


Welcome to the "Lake Effect Snow" in Northern New York.
------------------------------------------------------------------
December 8 - 6:00 PM. It started to snow. The first snow of the
season and the wife and I took our cocktails and sat for hours by
the window watching the huge soft flakes drift down from heaven.
It looked like a Grandma Moses Print. So romantic we felt like
newlyweds again. I love snow!

December 9 - We woke to a beautiful blanket of crystal white snow
covering every inch of the landscape. What a fantastic sight! Can
there be a more lovely place in the Whole World? Moving here was
the best idea I've ever had. Shoveled for the first time in years
and felt like a boy again. I did both our driveway and the
sidewalks. This afternoon the snowplow came along and covered up
the sidewalks and closed in the driveway, so I got
to shovel again. What a perfect life.

December 12 - The sun has melted all our lovely snow. Such a
disappointment. My neighbor tells me not to worry, we'll
definitely have a white Christmas. No snow on Christmas would be
awful! Bob says we'll have so much snow by the end of winter,
that I'll never want to see snow again. I don't think that's
possible. Bob is such a nice man, I'm glad he's our neighbor.

December 14 - Snow lovely snow! 8" last night. The temperature
dropped to -20. The cold makes everything sparkle so. The wind
took my breath away, but I warmed up by shoveling the driveway
and sidewalks. This is the life! The snowplow came back this
afternoon and buried everything again. I didn't realize I would
have to do quite this much shoveling, but I'll certainly get back
in shape this way. I wish I wouldn't huff and puff so.

December 15 - 20 inches forecast. Sold my van and bought a 4x4
Blazer. Bought snow tires for the wife's car and 2 extra shovels.
Stocked the freezer. The wife wants a wood stove in case the
electricity goes out. I think that's silly. We aren't in Alaska,
after all.

December 16 - Ice storm this morning. Fell on my ass on the ice
in the driveway putting down salt. Hurt like hell. The wife
laughed for an hour, Which I think was very cruel.

December 17 - Still way below freezing. Roads are too icy to go
anywhere. Electricity was off for 5 hours. I had to pile the
blankets on to stay warm. Nothing to do but stare at the wife and
try not to irritate her. Guess I should've bought a wood stove,
but won't admit it to her. God I hate it when she's right. I
can't believe I'm freezing to death in my own living room.

December 20 - Electricity's back on, but had another 14" of the
damn stuff last night. More shoveling. Took all day. Goddamn
snowplow came by twice. Tried to find a neighbor kid to shovel,
but they said they're too busy playing hockey. I think they're
lying. Called the only hardware store around to see about buying
a snow blower and they're out. Might have another shipment in
March. I think they're lying. Bob says I have to shovel or the
city will have it done and bill me. I think he's lying.

December 22 - Bob was right about a white Christmas because 13
more inches of the white shit fell today, and it's so cold it
probably won't melt till August. Took me 45 minutes to get all
dressed up to go out to shovel and then I had to ****. By the
time I got undressed, ****ed and dressed again. I was too tired
to shovel. Tried to hire Bob who has a plow on his truck
for the rest of the winter; but he says he's too busy. I think
the jerk is lying.

December 23 - Only 2" of snow today. And it warmed up to 0. The
wife wanted me to decorate the front of the house this morning.
What, is she nuts??? Why didn't she tell me to do that a month
ago??? She says she did but I think she's lying.

December 24 - 6". Snow packed so hard by snowplow, I broke the
shovel. Thought I was having a heart attack. If I ever catch the
son of a bitch who drives that snow plow I'll drag him through
the snow by his balls and beat him to death with my broken
shovel. I know he hides around the corner and waits for me to
finish shoveling and then he comes down the street at a 100 miles
an hour and throws snow all over where I've just been!

Tonight the wife wanted me to sing Christmas carols with her and
open our presents, but I was too busy watching for the goddamn
snowplow.

December 25 - Merry fricking Christmas! 20 more inches of the
goddamn slop tonight. Snowed in. The idea of shoveling makes my
blood boil. God I hate the snow! Then the snowplow driver came by
asking for a donation and I hit him over the head with my shovel.
The wife says I have a bad attitude. I think she's a fricking
idiot. If I have to watch "It's A Wonderful Life" one more time,
I'm going to stuff her into the microwave.

December 26 - Still snowed in. Why the hell did I ever move here?
It was all HER idea. She's really getting on my nerves.

December 27 - Temperature dropped to -30 and the pipes froze,
plumber came after 14 hours of waiting for him, he only charged
me $1,400 to replace all my pipes.

December 28 - Warmed up to above -20. Still snowed in. THE BITCH
is driving me crazy!!!

December 29 - 10 more inches. Bob says I have to shovel the roof
or it could cave in. That's the silliest thing I ever heard. How
dumb does he think I am?

December 30 - Roof caved in. I beat up the snow plow driver. He
is now suing me for a million dollars not only for the beating I
gave him but also for trying to shove the broken snow shovel up
his ass. The wife went home to her mother. 9" predicted.

December 31 - I set fire to what's left of the house. No more
shoveling.

January 8 - Feel so good. I just love those little white pills
they keep giving me. Why am I tied to the bed?
------------------------------------------------------------------

--
PeteCresswell

PeteCresswell wrote:

Per Jim:
on Friday Joseph attempts to sell his house and move but finds due
to unforeseen circumstances he owes more on the house than it is worth.

on Saturday ....

Reminds me a little bit of this one:

Welcome to the "Lake Effect Snow" in Northern New York.

[....]

parody
1: a literary or musical work in which the style of an author
or work is closely imitated for comic effect or in ridicule
2: a feeble or ridiculous imitation syn see caricature