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Old 02-09-2011, 10:07 PM posted to austin.gardening
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Default The way things are

I may have posted this some time ago in the past years, but it is funny
and maybe hits too close to the truth.

God said: "Frank, you know all about gardens and nature. What in the
world is going on down there on the planet? What happened to the
dandelions, violets, milkweeds and stuff I started eons ago? I had a
perfect no-maintenance garden plan. Those plants grow in any type of
soil, withstand drought and multiply with abandon. The nectar from
the long-lasting blossoms attracts butterflies, honey bees and flocks
of songbirds. I expected to see a vast garden of colors by now. But,
all I see are these green rectangles."

St. FRANCIS: It's the tribes that settled there, Lord. The
Suburbanites. They started calling your flowers 'weeds' and went to
great lengths to kill them and replace them with grass.

GOD: Grass? But, it's so boring. It's not colorful. It doesn't
attract butterflies, birds and bees; only grubs and sod worms. It's
sensitive to temperatures.. Do these Suburbanites really want all
that grass growing there?

ST. FRANCIS: Apparently so, Lord. They go to great pains to grow it
and keep it green.

They begin each spring by fertilizing grass and poisoning any other
plant that crops up in the lawn.

GOD: The spring rains and warm weather probably make grass grow
really fast. That must make the Suburbanites happy.

ST. FRANCIS: Apparently not, Lord. As soon as it grows a little, they
cut it-sometimes twice a week.

GOD: They cut it? Do they then bale it like hay?

ST. FRANCIS: Not exactly, Lord. Most of them rake it up and put it in bags.

GOD: They bag it? Why? Is it a cash crop? Do they sell it?

ST. FRANCIS: No, Sir, just the opposite. They pay to throw it away.

GOD: Now, let me get this straight. They fertilize grass so it
will grow. And, when it does grow, they cut it off and pay to throw
it away?

ST. FRANCIS: Yes, Sir.

GOD: These Suburbanites must be relieved in the summer when we cut
back on the rain and turn up the heat. That surely slows the growth
and saves them a lot of work.

ST.. FRANCIS: You aren't going to believe this, Lord. When the grass
stops growing so fast, they drag out hoses and pay more money to
water it, so they can continue to mow it and pay to get rid of it.

GOD: What nonsense. At least they kept some of the trees. That was
a sheer stroke of genius, if I do say so myself. The trees grow
leaves in the spring to provide beauty and shade in the summer. In
the autumn, they fall to the ground and form a natural blanket to
keep moisture in the soil and protect the trees and bushes. It's a
natural cycle of life.

ST. FRANCIS: You better sit down, Lord. The Suburbanites have drawn a
new circle. As soon as the leaves fall, they rake them into great
piles and pay to have them hauled away.

GOD: No!? What do they do to protect the shrub and tree roots in
the winter to keep the soil moist and loose?

ST. FRANCIS: After throwing away the leaves, they go out and buy
something which they call mulch. They haul it home and spread it
around in place of the leaves.

GOD: And where do they get this mulch?

ST. FRANCIS: They cut down trees and grind them up to make the mulch.

GOD: Enough! I don't want to think about this anymore. St.
Catherine, you're in charge of the arts. What movie have you
scheduled for us tonight?

ST. CATHERINE: 'Dumb and Dumber', Lord. It's a story about....


Never mind, I think I just heard the whole story from St. Francis

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