President George W. Bush received his first national security
briefing at the Governor's Mansion in Austin, Texas. It was conducted
by Brigadier General Thomas C. Bradley, Army Staff Liaison to the
National Security Council, and David L. McKittrick, Deputy Assistant
to the Director of the CIA. An anonymous Security Council staff member
leaked a transcript of the briefing to the press.

Bradley: Good morning, Mr. President-elect. Congratulations on your
victory.

Bush: Thanks. That's a nice suit. How come you don't wear a uniform.
Are you really a general?

Bradley: I wear my uniform when I'm working at the Pentagon. Now,
would you like to get started?

Bush: Yeah, I guess. How long is this gonna take?

McKittrick: Mr. President-elect, these briefings usually only take
15-20 minutes, depending on world events. Somewhat longer if you have
questions or require further detail.

Bush: Okay.

Bradley: Beginning with the Middle East, as you may know, Israeli
Prime Minister Ehud Barak . . .

Bush: He's a Jew, right?

Bradley: One would assume so. Now . . .

Bush: I bet he voted for Pat Buchanan.

Bradley: Sir, Mr. Barak has resigned as a result of the continuing
violence between the Palestinians and the Israeli security forces.

Bush: I hear those Palestrians are A-rabs without any oil. That must
be real hard on them. I mean, an A-rab without oil is, I guess, just a
shepherd or a terrorist or something. I feel compassion for them.

Bradley: Yes, sir. In any event, the situation is extremely volatile
because most of the casualties are Palestinian youth -- children
really -- who assault the Israeli soldiers with rocks.

Bush: Rocks? Well, hey, this is easy. Why don't we just get rid of the
rocks? The Israelite army could just go in there and pick them up and
haul them away for making gravel or paving roads or something. The
Jews could probably even make a buck or two on that deal.

McKittrick: Sir, Palestine is a rocky desert. Removing all the rocks
from Palestine would be like removing all the idiots from Texas.

Bush: Excuse me? What did you say? What's your name again, mister?

McKittrick: John Doe.

Bush: Well, Mr. Doe, we'll see how long your career lasts in my
administration.

Bradley: Sir, in any case, you can't remove the rocks from Palestine.

Bush: Where's Uncle Dick?

Bradley: Sir?

Bush: Dick Cheney. He should be here. He knows what to do about all
this detail stuff.

Bradley: Sir, I believe he's in Washington supervising the transition.

Bush: Transition?

Bradley: Changing the government, sir. Replacing the Democratic
officeholders in the Executive Branch. Preparing for your
administration in Washington.

Bush: I have to move to Washington? I just bought a ranch. A big one,
too.

McKittrick: Perhaps we could move on to events in Europe.

Bush: That's better. I like Europe.

McKittrick: Have you traveled extensively there?

Bush: I didn't say I'd been there. I said I like the Europese. You
know, a lot of Americans came here from Europe. My own family used to
be a part of Europe. I'm not sure which.

McKittrick: Yes, sir, I can imagine. Mr. President-elect, the European
Union is becoming more of a reality and changing the nature of our
responsibilities and influence there. The Europeans want to establish
their own 60,000 man security force, and that raises questions about
the future viability of NATO.

Bush: I don't get it.

McKittrick: Get what, sir? Europe? NATO? Where did I lose you?

Bush: Don't be a smart aleck. My dad used to run the FBI, you know. Or
the CIA. Who are you with? He ran that too.

Bradley: Sir, what he's saying . . .

Bush: I know what he's saying. The Europese want to redo the continent
into one big country. With ONE army. That's stupid! If it's all one
army, who are you going to attack? Answer me that.

McKittrick: Mr. President-elect, I believe that's enough for one day.
I think you're right; we'll give these pesky details to Vice
President-elect Cheney, and you can get back to the ranch. Thank you
for your time and attention.

Bush: Oh sure, this is fun. Maybe when I'm president we can have these
briefings once a year.

Bradley: Yes, sir. Good day, sir.

Bush: Yeah, bye. Oh, hey, listen. I wasn't talking about ALL the
rocks. Just the ones that are throwin' size. I'm not stupid, you know.

McKittrick: God help us all.

Bush: What was that??

McKittrick: Nothing Sir, have a good Day