"Fred the Second" wrote in news:J9fFc.12511$MB3.7629
@attbi_s04:

"Jeff Bello" wrote in message
om...
I have just bought a home and am interested in planting a tree in a
specific area for privacy. The problem is I have never planted
anything in my life and have no idea who to even go to for help or
where to "buy" a tree. Can anyone give me any pointers?

Green end goes up.



Sorry - it was just too easy...

- Fred #2

Planting a tree is a very sophisticated procedure and is best left to
professionals.

Nut trees are the easiest. You will need a large supply of nuts and one or
more squirrels or chipmunks. If you are lucky, a squirrel/chipmunk will
bury a nut in the location you have selected. If the location is wrong,
you will have to bribe some garden gnomes to transplant the tree in the
correct location. Apparently gnomes like doing this (see other post), so
if you are on good terms with them, they might even do it for free.

Fruit trees are a little more difficult, as you will need to feed fruit to
a water buffalo, and most gnomes are unlikely to want to help you after the
seed comes out the business end. Even if you can find some gnomes that
will take the job, often they will get nauseous at the idea of being seen
carrying a buffalo patty, with the end result that the top of tree snaps
off. Not to worry, as the gnomes will replace the top with an equivalent
gnome-make top. Often these replacement tops are superior to the original.
These are called 'grafts' which is gnomish for 'giraffe' (go figure). Some
unscrupulous people have been known to coat the feed fruit with bean dip
just to increase their chances of getting a graft.

Privacy or shade trees are the most difficult. Planting them requires a
mysterious procedure involving something called a shovel and a sapling.
See "Nuts Propagating Nuts" from Funny Farm Press for a similar procedure.

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FYI: National Arbor Day Foundation: www.arborday.org (not affliated with
Thumb International Corp.)