Sod all to do with gardening and no doubt the 'Owners' will report me to my
ISP, but I thought some of you with an ounce of human feeling might like the
following.

(Lifted from a newsgroup to which you have to have special status to belong
to. THAT will upset the 'owners' even MORE!!!!)

A list of actual announcements that London Tube
train drivers have made to their passengers...



1)"Ladies and Gentlemen, I do apologize for the
delay to your service. I know you're all dying to
get home, unless, of course, you happen to be
married to my ex-wife, in which case you'll want
to cross over to the Westbound and go in the
opposite direction."



2)"Your delay this evening is caused by the line
controller suffering from E & B syndrome: not
knowing his elbow from his backside. I'll let you
know any further information as soon as I'm given
any."



3)"Do you want the good news first or the bad
news? The good news is that last Friday was my
birthday and I hit the town and had a great time.
The bad news is that there is a points failure
somewhere between Stratford and East Ham, which
means we probably won't reach our destination."



4)"Ladies and gentlemen, we apologize for the
delay, but there is a security alert at Victoria
station and we are therefore stuck here for the
foreseeable future, so let's take our minds off
it and pass some time together. All together
now.... 'Ten green bottles, hanging on a
wall.....'."



5)"We are now travelling through Baker Street...
As you can see, Baker Street is closed. It would
have been nice if they had actually told me, so I
could tell you earlier, but no, they don't think
about things like that".



6)"Beggars are operating on this train. Please do
NOT encourage these professional beggars. If you
have any spare change, please give it to a
registered charity. Failing that, give it to me."



7)During an extremely hot rush hour on the
Central Line, the driver announced in a West
Indian drawl: "Step right this way for the sauna,
ladies and gentleman... unfortunately, towels are
not provided."



8)"Let the passengers off the train FIRST!"
(Pause .) "Oh go on then, stuff yourselves in
like sardines, see if I care - I'm going
home...."



9)"Please allow the doors to close. Try not to
confuse this with 'Please hold the doors open.'
The two are distinct and separate instructions."



10)"Please note that the beeping noise coming
from the doors means that the doors are about to
close. It does not mean throw yourself or your
bags into the doors."



11)"We can't move off because some idiot has
their hand stuck in the door."



12)"To the gentleman wearing the long grey coat
trying to get on the second carriage - what part
of 'stand clear of the doors' don't you
understand?"



13)"Please move all baggage away from the doors."
(Pause..) "Please move ALL belongings away from
the doors." (Pause...) "This is a personal
message to the man in the brown suit wearing
glasses at the rear of the train: Put the pie
down, Four-eyes, and move your bl**dy golf clubs
away from the door before I come down there and
shove them up your a**e sideways!"



14)"May I remind all passengers that there is
strictly no smoking allowed on any part of the
Underground. However, if you are smoking a joint,
it's only fair that you pass it round the rest of
the carriage."



:-)))))

Well I have a sense of humour, if you don't :-(((((((((((((((
I can recommend a good Funeral Director :-))) who will get you out of our
way:-))

Mike
The truth WILL prevail
--
..