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Original URL : http://www.smoe.org/lists/ecto/Volum..._94/Digest.954

AND YET ANOTHER PARTRIDGE IN A PEAR TREE
(A Cautionary Tale for Christmas)

Brian Sibley

My very dearest Algy:

How can I begin to thank you for your charming Christmas gift? What luxury!
My very own pear tree, with that dear little pheasant in it. Was it
supposed
to be a partridge? You really are a foolish boy. Thank you, my darling.

All my love forever.

Your ownest affectionate,

Cynthia

My dearest Algy:

You are quite impossible, my love. The turtle doves are adorable. They're
already cooing away like anything; and I must say, their amorous behavior
leaves very little to the imagination. But I expect they will settle down
in time. Thank you, my sweeting.

Affectionately yours,

Cynthia

PS: I almost forgot to thank you for the second partridge-in-pear-tree
thing.
It balances out the other side of the fireplace so nicely.

Dearest Algernon:

You know, poppet, you are simply going too, too far. Your latest gift has
just been delivered. What an imaginative boy you are to think of sending me
something as unusual as three French hens. I'm only sorry that I hadn't
told
you that I am allergic to eggs.

Much love,

Cynthia

Dear Algernon:

Your four calling birds have just arrived and could, more aptly, be
described
as cawling birds, since that is what they seem to do best. I can honestly
say,
Algernon, that I'd always thought birds were rather pleasant little
creatures,
until you gave me this opportunity of observing them at such close quarters.

Love,

Cynthia

PS: I do hope you got a reasonable discount on all the pear trees.

Algernon:

Thank you for your latest gift of five curtain rings, a somewhat curious
pres-
ent but nevertheless a refreshing change from all those very pretty, but
somewhat noisy birds you will keep sending me. I doubt if I should have
bought
so large a turkey for Christmas had I known what you had in mind. Could we
ease up on the fowl, do you think?

Cordially,

Cynthia

Dear Algernon Fotherington Smythe:

I see we are back with the birds again. Your six geese a-laying have just
arrived, and are happily doing so for all they're worth. I rather thought
I'd
mentioned to you how it was with me and eggs. Thank you for putting me
right
about the curtain rings; I never could tell the difference between brass and
gold. Of course, I am very pleased that you should have thought of sending
me
another five, just so that I have one for every finger. But as I now have
more
hens, doves and partridges than I rightly know how to cope with, and as they
aren't too fussy about personal hygene, I seldom seem to have my hands out
of a
bucket of water long enough to try them on.

Yours,

Cynthia B.

Dear Mr. Fotherington Smythe:

I have just succeeded in accommodating your seven swans a-swimming in my
bath,
which was no mean achievement when one considers the number of pear trees on
the landing. I must now ask you to desist from sending me any more of these
well-intentioned but slightly impracticable gifts.

Cynthia Bracegirdle

PS: I hadn't realized just how messy moulting partridges can be, or how
badly
they seem to get on in captivity with other birds.

Mr. Fotherington Smythe:

Fresh milk is one thing. Eight enormous Fresians in the drawing room is
some-
thing else altogether. True, the milkmaids have a certain rustic charm, but
you wouldn't believe how much they eat. You may also care to note that my
bath
has only so much room in it for swans with a seemingly insatiable urge to be
a-swimming, and it will definitely not hold fourteen of them. Take that
from
one who has tried. Please call a halt to this absurd behavior.

Miss Cynthia Bracegirdle

Mr. Smythe:

Thanks to your weird sense of humor, my house is now in utter chaos. As if
it
wasn't bad enough having sixteen cows producing milk by the gallon, we now
have
nine ladies, as you amusingly call them, dancing here, there and everywhere,
one of whom seems to be working out a somewhat extraordinary routine
involving
several doves and a goose. The most charitable view I can take of your
actions
is that you are out of your tiny mind. Enough's enough! Pack it in!

Miss C. Bracegirdle

PS: Fortunately, one of the partridges has just drowned itself in a bucket
of
milk.

Unspeakable wretch:

Your misguided generosity has apparently led you to suppose that I could
find
some use for ten lords a-leaping. They might lend a hand with cleaning up
all
the rancid milk and bird lime, if they'd only stop leaping around after the
dancing girls for five minutes. I understand the entire neighborhood is now
up
in arms about it all, and the recent outbreaks of crop blight, fowl pest and
foot-and-mouth disease have now reached epidemic proportions; and if the
antics
I witnessed behind the pear trees this afternoon are anything to go by,
several
of the milkmaids should soon find themselves in what polite society calls an
interesting condition. For your information, I have now reached the end of
my tether, which is more than can be said for those damn cows of yours.

C. Bracegirdle (Miss)

Cretinous toad:

Have you got even the remotest idea what eleven pipers piping sounds like at
two o'clock in the morning? Of course, it only adds very slightly to the
hideous cacophony of noise that I must now daily endure. I swear there's
more mooing, cooing, honking, clucking and cawling here than in the
zoological
gardens. If there's any room left I might seriously consider opening the
place
to the public. My landlord has taken out an eviction order against me, as
he
claims, somewhat surprisingly, that the terms of my lease do not cover
utiliza-
tion of the premises as a menagerie, dancing school, smallholding or annex
of
the House of Lords.

C.B.

PS: Please be advised that all future correspondence between us will be
handled by my solicitors, Messrs. Grabble, Twister and Fleecem.

Grabble, Twister and Fleecem
Chancery Chambers
Suet-on-the-Writ
Off the Eastbourne Road
Sussex

Dear Mr. Smith:

Miss Cynthia Bracegirdle, deceased

We are the executors of the estate of the above-named deceased, and are
writing
to acknowledge receipt of your recent delivery of twelve drummers drumming.
You will no doubt be distressed to learn that shortly after the arrival of
these gentlemen our client, in what must be described as a somewhat deranged
state of mind, traveled to Eastbourne and threw herself off the top of
Beachy
Head. Before taking this step, however, she left instructions with
ourselves
for the adding of a codicil to her last will and testament, under which you
become her sole beneficiary and legatee. I am therefore arranging for the
following items to be delivered to you later this day:

12 drummers drumming;
22 pipers piping;
30 lords a-leaping;
36 ladies dancing;
40 maids a-milking;
42 swans a-swimming;
42 geese a-laying;
40 gold rings;
36 calling birds;
30 French hens;
22 turtle doves;
and 11 partridges with 12 accompanying pear trees.

With our sincere congratulations on your inheritance, and assuring you of
our
best attention at all times,

Yours faithfully,

Grabble, Twister and Fleecem