View Single Post
  #11   Report Post  
Old 08-09-2013, 09:21 AM posted to uk.rec.gardening
'Mike'[_4_] 'Mike'[_4_] is offline
external usenet poster
 
First recorded activity by GardenBanter: Jan 2009
Posts: 3,959
Default OT I've been baned from Tesco

Another Tesco story for you

Tired of constantly being broke & stuck in an unhappy marriage, a
young
husband decided to solve both problems by taking out a large insurance
policy on his wife with himself as the beneficiary, and then arranging
to
have her killed. A 'friend of a friend' put him in touch with a
nefarious,
dark-side, underworld figure who went by the name of 'Artie.'


Artie then explained to the husband that his going price for snuffing
out
a spouse was £5,000. The husband said he was willing to pay that
amount,
but that he wouldn't have any cash on hand until he could collect his
wife's insurance money. Artie insisted on being paid at least
something up
front, so the man opened his wallet, displaying the single pound coin
that
rested inside. Artie sighed, rolled his eyes, & reluctantly agreed to
accept the pound as down payment for the dirty deed.

A few days later, Artie followed the man's wife to the local Tesco
store.
There, he surprised her in the produce department and proceeded to
strangle her with his gloved hands. As the poor unsuspecting woman
drew
her last breath and slumped to the floor the manager of the produce
department stumbled unexpectedly onto the murder scene. Unwilling to
leave
any living witnesses behind, Artie had no choice but to strangle the
produce manager as well. However, unknown to Artie, the entire
proceedings
were captured by the hidden security cameras and observed by the
store's
security guard, who immediately called the police.
Artie was caught and arrested before he could even leave the store.
Under
intense questioning at the police station, Artie revealed the whole
sordid
plan, including his unusual financial arrangements with the hapless
husband who was also quickly arrested.

The next day in the newspaper, the headline declared............





(You're going to hate me for this) scroll down














'ARTIE CHOKES TWO FOR A POUND AT TESCO!'



"harryagain" wrote in message ...


"Baz" wrote in message
...
Sacha wrote in
:

On 2013-09-07 11:13:29 +0100, David Hill said:

I'VE BEEN BANNED FROM TESCO

Yesterday I was at my local Tesco store buying a large bag of My Dog
dog food for my loyal pet and was in the checkout queue when a woman
behind me asked if I had a dog.

What did she think I had an elephant? So, since I'm retired and have
little to do, on impulse I told her that no, I didn't have a dog, I
was starting the Dog Diet again. I added that I probably shouldnâ?Tt,
because I ended up in hospital last time, but I'd lost 10 kilograms
before I woke up in intensive care with tubes coming out of most of
my orifices and IVs in both arms.

I told her that it was essentially a perfect diet and that the way
that it works is to load your pockets with My Dog nuggets and simply
eat one or two every time you feel hungry. The food is nutritionally
complete so it works well and I was going to try it again. (I have to
mention here that practically everyone in queue was now enthralled
with my story.)

Horrified, she asked me if I ended up in intensive care because the
dog food poisoned me. I told her no, I stepped off the kerb to sniff
an Irish Setter's bottom and a car hit me.

I thought the guy behind her was going to have a heart attack he was
laughing so hard. I'm now banned from Tesco..

Better watch what you ask retired people. They have all the time in
the world to think of daft things to say.


Love it! Very funny.


I was also at Tesco the other day, and I saw a dog licking his privates. I
said to his owner "I wish I could do that"
The owner said "Give him one of Davids biscuits and he will let you"



I didn't know they let dogs into Tesco.