GardenBanter.co.uk - Alien artifacts found in my garden ....

from http://www.ambergriscaye.com/museum/digit25.html

Smithsonian Institute
207 Pennsylvania Avenue
Washington, DC 20078

Dear Dr. Smith,
Thank you for your latest submission to the Institute, labeled "93211-D,
layer seven, next to the clothesline post-Hominid skull." We have given
this specimen a careful and detailed examination, and regret to inform
you that we disagree with your theory that represents conclusive proof
of the presence of Early Man in Belize two million years ago.

Rather, it appears that what you have found is the head of a Barbie
doll, of the variety that one of our staff, who has small children,
believes to be "Malibu Barbie." It is evident that you have given a
great deal of thought to the analysis of this specimen, and you may be
quite certain that those of us who are familiar with your prior work in
the field were loathe to come to contradiction with your findings.

However, we do feel that there are a number of physical attributes of
the specimen which might have tipped you off to its modern origin:

1. The material is molded plastic. Ancient hominid remains are
typically fossilized bone.
2. The cranial capacity of the specimen is approximately nine cubic
centimeters, well below the threshold of even the earliest identified
proto-homonids.
3. The dentition pattern evident on the skull is more consistent
with the common domesticated dog than it is with the ravenous man-eating
Pliocene clams you speculate roamed the wetlands during that time.

This latter finding is certainly one of the most intriguing hypotheses
you have submitted in your history with this institution, but the
evidence seems to weigh rather heavily against it. Without going into
too much detail, let us say that:

A. The specimen looks like the head of a Barbie doll that a dog has
chewed on.
B. Clams don't have teeth.

It is with feelings tinged with melancholy that we must deny your
request to have the specimen carbon-dated. This is partially due to the
heavy load our lab must bear in its normal operation, and partly due to
carbon-dating's notorious inaccuracy in fossils of recent geologic
record. To the best of our knowledge, no Barbie dolls were produced
prior to 1956 AD, and carbon-dating is likely to produce wildly
inaccurate results.

Sadly, we must also deny your request that we approach the National
Science Foundation with the concept of assigning your specimen the
scientific name Australopithecus spiff-arino. Speaking personally, I,
for one, fought tenaciously for the acceptance of your proposed
taxonomy, but was ultimately voted down because the species name you
selected was hyphenated, and didn't really sound like it might be Latin.

However, we gladly accept your generous donation of this fascinating
specimen to the museum. While it is undoubtedly not a Hominid fossil, it
is, nonetheless, yet another riveting example of the great body of work
you seem to accumulated here so effortlessly. You should know that our
Director has reserved a special shelf in his own office for the display
of the specimens you have previously submitted to the Institution, and
the entire staff speculates daily on what you will happen upon next in
your digs at the site you have discovered in your San Pedro back yard.

We eagerly anticipate your trip to our nation's capital that you
proposed in your last letter, and several of us are pressing the
Director to pay for it. We are particularly interested in hearing you
expand on your theories surrounding the iron rod that makes the
excellent juvenile tyrannosaurus rex femur you recently discovered take
on the deceptive appearance of a rusty 9-mm Sears Craftsman automotive
crescent wrench.

Yours in Science,
Otis T. Thudpucker
Chief Archeologist