On Mon, 09 Jun 2003 06:52:43 -0400, Tony Karp
wrote:

The pursuit of Martha

Signs your being Stalked by Martha Stewart



Mysterious late-night phone calls: "I can't stop thinking about you...
and that's a good thing!"
Contents of your curbside recycling tub stolen and replaced with juice
can pencil holders and milk carton flower vases.
On her show she makes a gingerbread house that looks exactly like your
split-level, right down to the fallen-over licorice downspout and the
stuck half-open graham cracker garage door.
You get a threatening note made up of letters cut out of a magazine
with pinking shears, and they're all the same size, the same font, and
precisely lined up in razor-sharp rows.
Size 6 Bruno Magli imprints on all your doilies.
You find your pet bunny on the stove in an exquisite tarragon, rose
petali & saffron demi-glace', with pecan-crusted hearts of palm and a
delicate mint-fennel sauce.
The unmistakable aroma of potpourri follows you -- even after you
leave the bathroom.
You discover that every napkin in the whole friggin' house has been
folded into a swan.
No matter *where* you eat, your place setting always includes an
oyster fork.
Annoying crank phone calls begin with, "Hold, please, for Ms.
Stewart."
Twice this week you've been the victim of a drive-by doilying.
That telltale lemon slice in the dog's water bowl.
The sharpened macaroni shells underfoot in the bathroom are stained to
match the shower curtain.
You wake up in the hospital with a concussion and endive stuffing in
every orifice.
You awaken one morning with a glue gun pointed squarely at your
temple.

Copyright 2001-2003 Dani A.
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Page last updated May 16, 2003