Okay, here's my contribution:

How Pods Are Formed

Ever wonder how your orchids sometimes develop pods, even though you didn't
pollinate them? On a recent Saturday night, my husband and I learned the
true story.

We were snug and warm inside, when suddenly there came a commotion from the
orchid lanai. At first we thought it might be a wayward raccoon near the
screen, but we soon realized that we were hearing voices and music out
there. A no-good-nik trying to steal our babies, perhaps?? But music? We
had to investigate! With Frank in the lead (my hero!) we crept silently out
to the lanai, and what we found was shocking, I tell you, shocking!

The orchids were having a keg party, using liquid fertilizer and a pump
sprayer to fill in for the keg. The Brassias had used their spidery flowers
to pry open my supply box, and the radio I keep in there was blaring
Dixieland jazz played by Doc Grober on WQCS. V. Miss Joachim waved her
pencil leaves to the music, her flowers imitating Ella Fitzgerald. A big
Bifrenaria hummed in his low, rumbly bass. The Oncidiums had entwined their
spikes and were living up to their nickname, their yellow skirts billowing
as they danced. Assorted Phalaenopsis tried to prove that they, too, had
been properly categorized, attempting to fly like moths, only to realize too
late that they were out of flower. A dozen Dendrobiums linked canes in an
effort to stand upright and failed miserably, the effects of the fertilizer
cocktails all too clear.

And oh, the Cattleyas! Those in bloom were elbowing their way through the
other plants in a bid to get to the front of the benches, drawing howls of
protest from their smaller colleagues. Aliflor and potting rock littered
the benches. Angraecum magdalenae cried, "Watch my buds, you ruffians!", as
Epi. Green Hornet grinned and slurped more Dyna Gro.

Sensing that things were getting out of hand, Den. discolor, by far the
biggest at six feet tall, told the others it was time to wrap it up. Rather
than having a calming effect, this enraged the inebriated collection of
staggering orchids, which began looking for projectiles to hurl. Finding
none, their mood turned still uglier.

Suddenly, Blc. Momilani Rainbow "Gypsy", doubly irritated by her early
blooming, spat pollen at a Cymbidium. There was a split second of silence,
and then all the flowers began to throw pollen, thus beginning the orchid
equivalent of a food fight worthy of "Animal House". Pollen flew through
the air, landing hither and yon; Vandas were hit by Miltonidium pollen,
Beallaria by pollen from Oncidiums, and so it went until the orchids,
exhausted, flopped down and fell into a fertilizer-induced sleep, leaving
their mess for me to clean up in the morning.

A couple of months later, many of the plants developed pods, and there you
have it: pods come from food fights that occur when orchids hit the
fertilizer bottle too hard. The moral of the story: No matter how well you
raise your 'chids', lock the fertilizer cabinet when you leave them alone!

Diana Kulaga