The watergardening labradors and I are great fans of author
Dean Koontz and his golden retriever, Trixie. Every once
and a while Trixie sends around an email letter to remind readers
of a new book release. Today's email details Trixie's plans for
Halloween.
MY HALLOWEEN PLANS
By Trixie Koontz, Dog

Dress up like witch. Tour neighborhood. Fill bag with goodies. Return
home. Dress up like Frankenpuppy. Tour neighborhood. Fill bag with
goodies. Return home. Dress up like terrifying ET. Tour neighborhood,
demand goodies or will kill with ray gun. Return home. Insert in mouth
set of giant wax fangs, spray whipped cream on muzzle to fake rabies,
chase neighborhood children who are trick-or-treating, terrify into
dropping their bags of goodies. Snatch bag. Return home. Pee. Dress up
like Lassie, go to bakery, convince everyone that Timmy is trapped
under overturned tanker truck. Get everyone to leave bakery to help
Timmy. Loot store. Experience moment of guilt. Chastise self: “Bad
dog. Bad dog. Bad, bad dog.” Go to butcher shop. Convince everyone
that Timmy is trapped in burning sawmill. Get everyone to leave
butcher shop to help Timmy. Grab all the frankfurters and steaks.
Experience a moment of guilt. Decide can live with it. Go home. Eat.
Eat, eat, eat. Throw up. Write memoir of criminal activities. Sell to
Bantam Books. Sell film rights to Steven Spielberg. Go on book and
movie tour. Stay in 4-star hotels with room service. Order six dozen
frankfurters every night. Go to Betty Ford clinic to take cure for
serious frankfurter addiction. Do spot on Dr. Phil’s show. Weep. Win
audience sympathy. Sneak into Dr. Phil’s dressing room, get his
American Express card number, order one million frankfurters. Take
vacation in Tahiti. Plan for next Halloween.
k30a