how do i ripen these things? I think they're the fuerte variety
(green smooth skin) and they look ready to pick but they just don't
ripen. I read online its best to ripen in a paper bag with an apple or
banana and thats what I did... they've been in there for almost 3
weeks now, one seemed softer than the others so i cut it and the meat
was like rubber.

I don't want to leave them on the tree any longer because some damn
squirrels are stealing them. I've actually seen the critters roll them
on the ground into my neighbors yard.