Figure most here could relate to this one I found on Koiphen:

Letter to My Pets:

When I say to move, it means to go someplace else, not to switch positions
with each other so there are still two of you in my way.

The dishes with the paw print are yours and contain your food. All other
dishes are mine and contain my food. Please note that placing your paw
print in the middle of MY plate of food does not stake a claim making it
YOUR plate and food.

The stairway was not designed by NASCAR and is not a racetrack. Beating me
to the bottom is not the object. Tripping me doesn't help in your quest to
reach the bottom first, because I fall faster than you can run.

I cannot buy anything bigger than a king sized bed. I am very sorry about
this. Do not think that I will continue sleeping on the couch to ensure
your comfort. Dogs and cats actually curl up in a ball when they sleep. It
is not necessary to sleep perpendicular to one another, stretched out to
the fullest extent possible. I also know that sticking tails straight out
and having tongues hanging out the other end to maximize space is nothing
but sarcasm.

For the last time, there is not a secret exit from the bathroom. If by some
miracle I beat you there and manage to get the door shut, it is not
necessary to claw, whine, meow, try to turn the knob, or get your paw under
the edge of the door and try to pull it open. I must exit through the same
door I entered. Honest. Also, I have been using the bathroom by myself for
quite some time --canine or feline attendance is not mandatory.

I can't stress this one enough -- kiss me, THEN go sniff the other pet's
behind.


To pacify you, my dear companions, I have posted the following notice on
our front door:
Rules for Non-Pet Owners Who Visit and then Complain About Our Pets
1. The pets live here. You don't.
2. If you don't want their hair on your clothes, stay off the furniture.
(That's why it's call "fur"niture.)
3. To you, our pets are just animals! To us, they are a member of the
family who happens to be hairy, walks on all fours and doesn't speak
clearly.
4. Dogs and cats are better than kids because:
---- they don't ask for money all the time
---- they are easier to train
---- they usually come when called
---- they don't hang out with drug-using friends
---- they don't need a gazillion dollars for a college education, and
---- if they get pregnant, you can sell the children.


~ jan/WA
Zone 7a