gardens and nature


And God said to St. Francis:

GOD: St. Francis, you know all about gardens and nature. What in the
world
is going on down there? What happened to the dandelions, violets,
thistle
and stuff I started eons ago? I had a perfect, no-maintenance garden
plan.
Those plants grow in any type of soil, withstand drought and
multiply with
abandon. The nectar from the long lasting blossoms attracts
butterflies,
honeybees and flocks of songbirds. I expected to see a vast garden
of
colours by now. But all I see are these green rectangles.

ST. FRANCIS: It's the tribes that settled there, Lord: The
Suburbanites.
They started calling your flowers "weeds" and went to great lengths
to kill
them and replace them with grass.

GOD: Grass? But it's so boring. It's not colourful. It doesn't
attract
butterflies, birds and bees, only grubs and sod worms. It's
temperamental
with temperatures. Do these Suburbanites really want all that grass
growing
there?

ST. FRANCIS: Apparently so, Lord. They go to great pains to grow it
and keep
it green. They begin each spring by fertilizing grass and poisoning
any
other plant that crops up in the lawn.

GOD: The spring rains and warm weather probably make grass grow
really fast.
That must make the Suburbanites happy.

ST. FRANCIS: Apparently not, Lord. As soon as it grows a little,
they cut
it, sometimes twice a week.

GOD: They cut it? Do they then bale it like hay?

ST. FRANCIS: Not exactly Lord. Most of them rake it up and put it in
bags.

GOD: They bag it? Why? Is it a cash crop? Do they sell it?

ST. FRANCIS: No, sir -- just the opposite. They pay to throw it
away.

GOD: Now, let me get this straight. They fertilize grass so it will
grow.
And when it does grow, they cut it off and pay to throw it away?

ST. FRANCIS: Yes, sir.

GOD: These Suburbanites must be relieved in the summer when we cut
back on
rainfall that surely slows the growth and saves them a lot of work.

ST. FRANCIS: When the grass stops growing so fast, they drag out
hoses and
pay more money to water it so they can continue to mow it and pay to
get rid
of it.

GOD: What nonsense. At least they kept some of the trees. That was a
sheer
stoke of genius, if I do say so myself. The trees grow leaves in the
spring
to provide beauty and shade in the summer. In the autumn they fall
to the
ground and form a natural blanket to keep moisture in the soil and
protect
the trees and bushes. Plus, as they rot, the leaves form compost to
enhance
the soil. It's a natural circle of life.

ST. FRANCIS: You'd better sit down, Lord. The Suburbanites have
drawn a new
circle. As soon as the leaves fall, they rake them into great piles
and pay
to have them hauled away.

GOD: No. What do they do to protect the shrub and tree roots in the
winter
and to keep the soil moist and loose?

ST. FRANCIS: After throwing away the leaves, they go out and buy
something
which they call mulch. They haul it home and spread it around in
place of
the leaves.

GOD: And where do they get this mulch?

ST. FRANCIS: They cut down trees and grind them up to make the
mulch.

GOD: St. Catherine, you're in charge of the arts. What movie have
you
scheduled for us tonight?

ST. CATHERINE: "Dumb and Dumber," Lord. It's a real stupid movie
about ...

GOD: Never mind, I think I just heard the whole story from St.
Francis.