How To Keep A Healthy Level Of Insanity

1. At lunch time, sit in your parked car with sunglasses
on and point a hair dryer at passing cars.
See if they slow down.

2. Page yourself over the intercom. Don't disguise your
voice.

3. Every time someone asks you to do something, ask if they
want fries with that.

4. Put your garbage can on your desk and label it "in"

5. Put decaf in the coffee maker for 3 weeks. Once everyone
has gotten over their caffeine addictions, switch to espresso!

6. In the memo field of all your checks, write "for sexual
favors".

7. Finish all your sentences with "in accordance with the
prophecy."

8. Don't use any punctuation marks

9. As often as possible, skip rather than walk.

10. Ask people what sex they are. Laugh hysterically after
they answer.

11. Specify that your drive-through order is "to go".

12. Sing along at the opera.

13. Go to a poetry recital and ask why the poems don't
rhyme.

14. Put mosquito netting around your work area. Play a
tape of jungle sounds all day.

15. Five days in advance, tell your friends you can't
attend their party because you're not in the mood.

16. Have your coworkers address you by your wrestling name,
Rock Hard Kim.

17. When the money comes out the ATM, scream I won, "I
won!" for the "3rd time this week!!!!!"

18. When leaving the zoo, start running towards the parking
lot, yelling "run for your lives, they're loose!!"

19. Tell your children over dinner. "due to the economy, we
are going to have to let one of you go."

And the final way to keep a healthy level of
insanity.......

20. Send this e-mail to everyone in your address
book, even if they sent it to you or asked you
not to send them stuff like this.







--
John Rutz

I'm not Porg am not am not am so
see my pond at:
http://www.fuerjefe.com

OM, I'm still ROFLMAO!!!! with tears running down my face.
Thanks for this brief moment of insanity!!
--
Kathy B, zookeeper (OR)
3500gal pond

John Rutz wrote:


How To Keep A Healthy Level Of Insanity
...

My insurance co. changed our pharmacist
and we were forced to go to Walmart.
Walmart gets on my nerves with their
constant associate alerts, walmart TV and
walmart radio and trap the customer aisles.
So when I saw this I seriously thought about
taking my DI team of creative teenagers and
turning them free to run amuck with this list....

50 FUN THINGS

TO DO AT WAL-MART

1. Take shopping carts for the express purpose of filling them and

stranding them at strategic locations.

2. Ride those little electronic cars at the front of the store.

3. Set out all the alarm clocks to go off at ten-minute intervals

throughout the day.

4. Start playing Calvinball; see how many people you can get to join

in.

5. Contaminate the entire auto department by sampling all the spray

air fresheners.

6. Challenge other customers to duels with tubes of gift-wrap.

7. Leave cryptic messages on the typewriters.

8. Re-dress the mannequins as you see fit.

9. When there are people behind you, walk REALLY SLOW, especially in

the thin, narrow aisles.

10. Walk up to an employee and tell him in an official tone, "I think

we've got a Code 3 in Housewares," and see what happens.

11. Tune all the radios to a polka station; then turn them all off and

turn the volumes up to 10.

12. Play with the automatic doors.

13. Walk up to a complete stranger and say, "Hi! I haven't seen you in

so long!..." etc. See if they play along to avoid embarrassment.

14. While walking through the clothing department, ask yourself loud

enough for all to hear, "Who buys this crap, anyway?"

15. Repeat number 14 in the jewelry department.

16. Ride a display bicycle through the store; claim you're taking it

for a "test drive."

17. Follow people through the aisles, always staying about five feet

away. Continue to do this until they leave the department.

18. Play soccer with a group of friends, using the entire store as

your playing field.

19. As the cashier runs your purchases over the scanner, look

mesmerized and say, "Wow. Magic!"

20. Put M&M's on layaway.

21. Move "Caution: Wet Floor" signs to carpeted areas.

22. Set up a tent in the camping department, tell others you'll only

invite them in if they bring pillows from Bed and Bath.

23. Test the fishing rods and see what you can "catch" from the other

aisles.

24. Ask other customers if they have any Grey Poupon.

25. Drape a blanket around your shoulders and run around saying, "I'm

Batman. Come, Robin--to the Batcave!"

26. TP as much of the store as possible.

27. Randomly throw things over into neighboring aisles.

28. Play with the calculators so that they all spell "hello" upside

down.

29. When someone asks you if you need help, begin to cry and ask, "Why

don't you people just leave me alone?"

30. When two or three people are walking ahead of you, run between

them, yelling, "Red Rover!"

31. Make up nonsense products and asked newly hired employees if there

are any in stock, i.e., "Do you have any Shnerples here?"

32. Take up an entire aisle in Toys by setting up a full-scale

battlefield with GI Joes vs. the X-Men.

33. Take bets on the battle described above.

34. Nonchalantly "test" the brushes and combs in Cosmetics.

35. While handling guns in the hunting department, suddenly ask the

clerk if he knows where the anti-depressants are. Act as spastic as

possible.

36. Hold indoor shopping cart races.

37. Dart around suspiciously while humming the theme from "Mission

Impossible."

38. Attempt to fit into very large gym bags.

39. Attempt to fit others into very large gym bags.

40. Say things like, "Would you be so kind as to direct me to your

Twinkies?"

41. Set up a "Valet Parking" sign in front of the store.

42. Two words: "Marco Polo."

43. Leave Cheerios in Lawn and Garden, pillows in the pet food aisle,

etc.

44. "Re-alphabetize" the CD's in Electronics.

45. In the auto department, practice your "Madonna" look with various

funnels.


46. When someone steps away from his or her cart to look at something,

quickly make off with it without saying a word.

47. Relax in the patio furniture until you get kicked out.

48. When an announcement comes over the loudspeaker, assume the fetal

position and scream, "No, no! It's those voices again!"

49. Pay off layaways fifty cents at a time.

50. Drag a lounge chair on display over to the magazines and relax. If

the store has a food court, buy a soft drink; explain that you don't

get out much, and ask if they can put a little umbrella in it.



BONUS! Try all 50 in one visit!

(As I said I considered it but didn't ;-)


k30a

"K30a" wrote in message
...
snippage
and trap the customer aisles.
snippage

My wife refuses to go to Walmart for THAT exact reason! I thought she was
the only one. It's pitiful really the way they advertise that they are
handicap friendly. Oh pushaw...

BV.

Ok, **uncle**
I've got to stop drinking my morning coffee
while reading OT messages -- more of it is
on my screen and keyboard than is going down
my throat!!!
--
zookeeper (My 16 yo wants to go to Walmart
this afternoon!!)

K30a wrote:
....
Walmart gets on my nerves ...
So when I saw this I seriously thought about
taking my DI team of creative teenagers and
turning them free to run amuck with this list....

50 FUN THINGS
TO DO AT WAL-MART

1. Take shopping carts for the express purpose of filling them and

stranding them at strategic locations ...

K30a wrote:
My insurance co. changed our pharmacist
and we were forced to go to Walmart.
Walmart gets on my nerves with their
constant associate alerts, walmart TV and
walmart radio and trap the customer aisles.
So when I saw this I seriously thought about
taking my DI team of creative teenagers and
turning them free to run amuck with this list....

50 FUN THINGS

If you get to the store early - you can play bingo.
Of course, you must yell bingo every time a number
is called ;-)

--
Bonnie
NJ

50 FUN THINGS
TO DO AT WAL-MART
7. Leave cryptic messages on the typewriters.

Huh? Typewriters? How old is this joke? ~ jan )


See my ponds and filter design:
http://users.owt.com/jjspond/

~Keep 'em Wet!~
Tri-Cities WA Zone 7a
To e-mail see website

"~ jan" wrote in message
s.com...
50 FUN THINGS
TO DO AT WAL-MART
7. Leave cryptic messages on the typewriters.

Huh? Typewriters? How old is this joke? ~ jan )


See my ponds and filter design:
http://users.owt.com/jjspond/

~Keep 'em Wet!~
Tri-Cities WA Zone 7a
To e-mail see website

I think I saw one of those on "Antiques Roadshow"