"Baz" wrote in message
...
Sacha wrote in
:

On 2013-09-07 11:13:29 +0100, David Hill said:

I'VE BEEN BANNED FROM TESCO

Yesterday I was at my local Tesco store buying a large bag of My Dog
dog food for my loyal pet and was in the checkout queue when a woman
behind me asked if I had a dog.

What did she think I had an elephant? So, since I'm retired and have
little to do, on impulse I told her that no, I didn't have a dog, I
was starting the Dog Diet again. I added that I probably shouldnâ?Tt,
because I ended up in hospital last time, but I'd lost 10 kilograms
before I woke up in intensive care with tubes coming out of most of
my orifices and IVs in both arms.

I told her that it was essentially a perfect diet and that the way
that it works is to load your pockets with My Dog nuggets and simply
eat one or two every time you feel hungry. The food is nutritionally
complete so it works well and I was going to try it again. (I have to
mention here that practically everyone in queue was now enthralled
with my story.)

Horrified, she asked me if I ended up in intensive care because the
dog food poisoned me. I told her no, I stepped off the kerb to sniff
an Irish Setter's bottom and a car hit me.

I thought the guy behind her was going to have a heart attack he was
laughing so hard. I'm now banned from Tesco..

Better watch what you ask retired people. They have all the time in
the world to think of daft things to say.

Love it! Very funny.

I was also at Tesco the other day, and I saw a dog licking his privates. I
said to his owner "I wish I could do that"
The owner said "Give him one of Davids biscuits and he will let you"


I didn't know they let dogs into Tesco.

Another Tesco story for you

Tired of constantly being broke & stuck in an unhappy marriage, a
young
husband decided to solve both problems by taking out a large insurance
policy on his wife with himself as the beneficiary, and then arranging
to
have her killed. A 'friend of a friend' put him in touch with a
nefarious,
dark-side, underworld figure who went by the name of 'Artie.'


Artie then explained to the husband that his going price for snuffing
out
a spouse was £5,000. The husband said he was willing to pay that
amount,
but that he wouldn't have any cash on hand until he could collect his
wife's insurance money. Artie insisted on being paid at least
something up
front, so the man opened his wallet, displaying the single pound coin
that
rested inside. Artie sighed, rolled his eyes, & reluctantly agreed to
accept the pound as down payment for the dirty deed.

A few days later, Artie followed the man's wife to the local Tesco
store.
There, he surprised her in the produce department and proceeded to
strangle her with his gloved hands. As the poor unsuspecting woman
drew
her last breath and slumped to the floor the manager of the produce
department stumbled unexpectedly onto the murder scene. Unwilling to
leave
any living witnesses behind, Artie had no choice but to strangle the
produce manager as well. However, unknown to Artie, the entire
proceedings
were captured by the hidden security cameras and observed by the
store's
security guard, who immediately called the police.
Artie was caught and arrested before he could even leave the store.
Under
intense questioning at the police station, Artie revealed the whole
sordid
plan, including his unusual financial arrangements with the hapless
husband who was also quickly arrested.

The next day in the newspaper, the headline declared............





(You're going to hate me for this) scroll down














'ARTIE CHOKES TWO FOR A POUND AT TESCO!'



"harryagain" wrote in message ...


"Baz" wrote in message
...
Sacha wrote in
:

On 2013-09-07 11:13:29 +0100, David Hill said:

I'VE BEEN BANNED FROM TESCO

Yesterday I was at my local Tesco store buying a large bag of My Dog
dog food for my loyal pet and was in the checkout queue when a woman
behind me asked if I had a dog.

What did she think I had an elephant? So, since I'm retired and have
little to do, on impulse I told her that no, I didn't have a dog, I
was starting the Dog Diet again. I added that I probably shouldnâ?Tt,
because I ended up in hospital last time, but I'd lost 10 kilograms
before I woke up in intensive care with tubes coming out of most of
my orifices and IVs in both arms.

I told her that it was essentially a perfect diet and that the way
that it works is to load your pockets with My Dog nuggets and simply
eat one or two every time you feel hungry. The food is nutritionally
complete so it works well and I was going to try it again. (I have to
mention here that practically everyone in queue was now enthralled
with my story.)

Horrified, she asked me if I ended up in intensive care because the
dog food poisoned me. I told her no, I stepped off the kerb to sniff
an Irish Setter's bottom and a car hit me.

I thought the guy behind her was going to have a heart attack he was
laughing so hard. I'm now banned from Tesco..

Better watch what you ask retired people. They have all the time in
the world to think of daft things to say.

Love it! Very funny.

I was also at Tesco the other day, and I saw a dog licking his privates. I
said to his owner "I wish I could do that"
The owner said "Give him one of Davids biscuits and he will let you"


I didn't know they let dogs into Tesco.

"'Mike'" wrote in message
...
Another Tesco story for you

Tired of constantly being broke & stuck in an unhappy marriage, a
young
husband decided to solve both problems by taking out a large insurance
policy on his wife with himself as the beneficiary, and then arranging
to
have her killed. A 'friend of a friend' put him in touch with a
nefarious,
dark-side, underworld figure who went by the name of 'Artie.'


Artie then explained to the husband that his going price for snuffing
out
a spouse was £5,000. The husband said he was willing to pay that
amount,
but that he wouldn't have any cash on hand until he could collect his
wife's insurance money. Artie insisted on being paid at least
something up
front, so the man opened his wallet, displaying the single pound coin
that
rested inside. Artie sighed, rolled his eyes, & reluctantly agreed to
accept the pound as down payment for the dirty deed.

A few days later, Artie followed the man's wife to the local Tesco
store.
There, he surprised her in the produce department and proceeded to
strangle her with his gloved hands. As the poor unsuspecting woman
drew
her last breath and slumped to the floor the manager of the produce
department stumbled unexpectedly onto the murder scene. Unwilling to
leave
any living witnesses behind, Artie had no choice but to strangle the
produce manager as well. However, unknown to Artie, the entire
proceedings
were captured by the hidden security cameras and observed by the
store's
security guard, who immediately called the police.
Artie was caught and arrested before he could even leave the store.
Under
intense questioning at the police station, Artie revealed the whole
sordid
plan, including his unusual financial arrangements with the hapless
husband who was also quickly arrested.

The next day in the newspaper, the headline declared............





(You're going to hate me for this) scroll down














'ARTIE CHOKES TWO FOR A POUND AT TESCO!'


Lovely

Bill

On 08/09/2013 09:05, harryagain wrote:
"Baz" wrote in message
...
Sacha wrote in
:

On 2013-09-07 11:13:29 +0100, David Hill said:

I'VE BEEN BANNED FROM TESCO

Yesterday I was at my local Tesco store buying a large bag of My Dog
dog food for my loyal pet and was in the checkout queue when a woman
behind me asked if I had a dog.

What did she think I had an elephant? So, since I'm retired and have
little to do, on impulse I told her that no, I didn't have a dog, I
was starting the Dog Diet again. I added that I probably shouldnâ?Tt,
because I ended up in hospital last time, but I'd lost 10 kilograms
before I woke up in intensive care with tubes coming out of most of
my orifices and IVs in both arms.

I told her that it was essentially a perfect diet and that the way
that it works is to load your pockets with My Dog nuggets and simply
eat one or two every time you feel hungry. The food is nutritionally
complete so it works well and I was going to try it again. (I have to
mention here that practically everyone in queue was now enthralled
with my story.)

Horrified, she asked me if I ended up in intensive care because the
dog food poisoned me. I told her no, I stepped off the kerb to sniff
an Irish Setter's bottom and a car hit me.

I thought the guy behind her was going to have a heart attack he was
laughing so hard. I'm now banned from Tesco..

Better watch what you ask retired people. They have all the time in
the world to think of daft things to say.

Love it! Very funny.

I was also at Tesco the other day, and I saw a dog licking his privates. I
said to his owner "I wish I could do that"
The owner said "Give him one of Davids biscuits and he will let you"


I didn't know they let dogs into Tesco.


They don't.
But you often see then tied up just outside the doors.

What about Guide Dogs?

Mike
Sunny but cloudy South East Coast of the Isle of Wight
Rain Radar promises us a downpour any moment now





"David Hill" wrote in message ...

On 08/09/2013 09:05, harryagain wrote:
"Baz" wrote in message
...
Sacha wrote in
:

On 2013-09-07 11:13:29 +0100, David Hill said:

I'VE BEEN BANNED FROM TESCO

Yesterday I was at my local Tesco store buying a large bag of My Dog
dog food for my loyal pet and was in the checkout queue when a woman
behind me asked if I had a dog.

What did she think I had an elephant? So, since I'm retired and have
little to do, on impulse I told her that no, I didn't have a dog, I
was starting the Dog Diet again. I added that I probably shouldnâ?Tt,
because I ended up in hospital last time, but I'd lost 10 kilograms
before I woke up in intensive care with tubes coming out of most of
my orifices and IVs in both arms.

I told her that it was essentially a perfect diet and that the way
that it works is to load your pockets with My Dog nuggets and simply
eat one or two every time you feel hungry. The food is nutritionally
complete so it works well and I was going to try it again. (I have to
mention here that practically everyone in queue was now enthralled
with my story.)

Horrified, she asked me if I ended up in intensive care because the
dog food poisoned me. I told her no, I stepped off the kerb to sniff
an Irish Setter's bottom and a car hit me.

I thought the guy behind her was going to have a heart attack he was
laughing so hard. I'm now banned from Tesco..

Better watch what you ask retired people. They have all the time in
the world to think of daft things to say.

Love it! Very funny.

I was also at Tesco the other day, and I saw a dog licking his privates.
I
said to his owner "I wish I could do that"
The owner said "Give him one of Davids biscuits and he will let you"


I didn't know they let dogs into Tesco.


They don't.
But you often see then tied up just outside the doors.

On 08/09/2013 09:05, harryagain wrote:

I didn't know they let dogs into Tesco.


But if you shop online at Tesco, no-one knows you're a dog

--
regards
Andy

News wrote in news:wFiXt.207823$cn6.21269
@fx01.fr7:

On 08/09/2013 09:05, harryagain wrote:

I didn't know they let dogs into Tesco.


But if you shop online at Tesco, no-one knows you're a dog


Steady on now

Baz

On Sun, 08 Sep 2013 11:20:40 +0200, Martin wrote:

I was also at Tesco the other day, and I saw a dog licking his
privates. I said to his owner "I wish I could do that"
The owner said "Give him one of Davids biscuits and he will let
you"

I didn't know they let dogs into Tesco.

English isn't your first langauge. "I was also at Tesco ..." not "I
was also in Tesco ..."

Only into the butchery department?

Shh, back door only and at night.

Seeing dogs for the blind are probably admitted, they quite often are
where other dogs are banned.

--
Cheers
Dave.

On 08/09/2013 11:01, Dave Liquorice wrote:
On Sun, 08 Sep 2013 11:20:40 +0200, Martin wrote:

I was also at Tesco the other day, and I saw a dog licking his
privates. I said to his owner "I wish I could do that"
The owner said "Give him one of Davids biscuits and he will let
you"

I didn't know they let dogs into Tesco.

English isn't your first langauge. "I was also at Tesco ..." not "I
was also in Tesco ..."

Only into the butchery department?

Shh, back door only and at night.

Seeing dogs for the blind are probably admitted, they quite often are
where other dogs are banned.

I really don't know what you are blathering about.
I suspect from your reply that English is more my first language than it
is yours.
"I was at Tesco" says I was at the site of their store, car park and
all, "In Tesco" says I was inside the store.
As for Seeing dogs, I have to assume that you are talking about dogs
that help those with impaired vision, at least you didn't refer to them
as "Blind" dogs.
In the UK we have Guide dogs for the blind,.
In the US of A they have Seeing Eye Dogs.

On Sun, 08 Sep 2013 11:37:32 +0100, David Hill wrote:

I really don't know what you are blathering about.
I suspect from your reply that English is more my first language than it
is yours. "I was at Tesco" says I was at the site of their store, car
park and all, "In Tesco" says I was inside the store.

Precisely. The comment "I didn't know they let dogs into Tesco." is
not accurate when the orginal statement is "I was at Tesco ...". The
latter could be inside the store but equally outside, it is not
specific.

As for Seeing dogs, I have to assume that you are talking about dogs
that help those with impaired vision, at least you didn't refer to them
as "Blind" dogs.
In the UK we have Guide dogs for the blind,.

I sit corrected I thought they had been "rebranded" a number of years
ago.

We are both half wrong from their website "Guide Dogs is a working
name of The Guide Dogs for the Blind Association."
--
Cheers
Dave.

Are you going to 'sit corrected' about the spelling in the Subject heading?
;-)

It's a wonder none of the experts have picked it up, or have they and I have
missed it?

Mike






"Dave Liquorice" wrote in message
ll.co.uk...

On Sun, 08 Sep 2013 11:37:32 +0100, David Hill wrote:

I really don't know what you are blathering about.
I suspect from your reply that English is more my first language than it
is yours. "I was at Tesco" says I was at the site of their store, car
park and all, "In Tesco" says I was inside the store.

Precisely. The comment "I didn't know they let dogs into Tesco." is
not accurate when the orginal statement is "I was at Tesco ...". The
latter could be inside the store but equally outside, it is not
specific.

As for Seeing dogs, I have to assume that you are talking about dogs
that help those with impaired vision, at least you didn't refer to them
as "Blind" dogs.
In the UK we have Guide dogs for the blind,.

I sit corrected I thought they had been "rebranded" a number of years
ago.

We are both half wrong from their website "Guide Dogs is a working
name of The Guide Dogs for the Blind Association."
--
Cheers
Dave.

"'Mike'" wrote in message
...


Are you going to 'sit corrected' about the spelling in the Subject
heading? ;-)

It's a wonder none of the experts have picked it up, or have they and I
have missed it?

Mike






"Dave Liquorice" wrote in message
ll.co.uk...

On Sun, 08 Sep 2013 11:37:32 +0100, David Hill wrote:

I really don't know what you are blathering about.
I suspect from your reply that English is more my first language than it
is yours. "I was at Tesco" says I was at the site of their store, car
park and all, "In Tesco" says I was inside the store.

Precisely. The comment "I didn't know they let dogs into Tesco." is
not accurate when the orginal statement is "I was at Tesco ...". The
latter could be inside the store but equally outside, it is not
specific.

As for Seeing dogs, I have to assume that you are talking about dogs
that help those with impaired vision, at least you didn't refer to them
as "Blind" dogs.
In the UK we have Guide dogs for the blind,.

I sit corrected I thought they had been "rebranded" a number of years
ago.

We are both half wrong from their website "Guide Dogs is a working
name of The Guide Dogs for the Blind Association."
--
Cheers
Dave.

Why do the nit pickers enjoy spoiling a good thread ???

Bill

On 08/09/2013 12:40, Dave Liquorice wrote:
As for Seeing dogs, I have to assume that you are talking about dogs
that help those with impaired vision, at least you didn't refer to them
as "Blind" dogs.
In the UK we have Guide dogs for the blind,.
I sit corrected I thought they had been "rebranded" a number of years
ago.

We are both half wrong from their website "Guide Dogs is a working
name of The Guide Dogs for the Blind Association."

I was talking about "Guide dogs for the blind" as being Guide dogs for
Blind people, though they are also used by people with restricted vision
as well as Blind .
Not the training and fund raising body which is The Guide Dogs for the
Blind Association."
I worked for over 10 years as a Mobility officer for Blind and partially
sighted people, and worked with several Guide Dog instructors as well as
having had some training at their training centre at Exeter. I also had
a blind colleague who was a guide dog user as well, so I do have some
knowledge of the subject.

On Sun, 08 Sep 2013 13:20:22 +0100, David Hill wrote:

In the UK we have Guide dogs for the blind,.

I sit corrected I thought they had been "rebranded" a number of
years
ago.

We are both half wrong from their website "Guide Dogs is a working
name of The Guide Dogs for the Blind Association."

I was talking about "Guide dogs for the blind" as being Guide dogs for
Blind people, though they are also used by people with restricted vision
as well as Blind .

Which is presumably why they have been rebranded as just "Guide
Dogs". There are also dogs that guide humans in other ways as well
not just those with restricted vision. The wording on signage that
prohibits dogs but allows "guide dogs" doesn't have "for the blind"
appended.

--
Cheers
Dave.

On 09/09/2013 10:13, Dave Liquorice wrote:
On Sun, 08 Sep 2013 13:20:22 +0100, David Hill wrote:

In the UK we have Guide dogs for the blind,.

I sit corrected I thought they had been "rebranded" a number of
years
ago.

We are both half wrong from their website "Guide Dogs is a working
name of The Guide Dogs for the Blind Association."

I was talking about "Guide dogs for the blind" as being Guide dogs for
Blind people, though they are also used by people with restricted vision
as well as Blind .

Which is presumably why they have been rebranded as just "Guide
Dogs". There are also dogs that guide humans in other ways as well
not just those with restricted vision. The wording on signage that
prohibits dogs but allows "guide dogs" doesn't have "for the blind"
appended.


These are referred to as assistance dogs and have come together as
Assistance Dogs (UK)
http://www.assistancedogs.org.uk/
Re the "Re-branding" of Guide dogs.
© The Guide Dogs for the Blind Association 2013.
Guide Dogs is a working name of The Guide Dogs for the Blind
Association. Registered Office: Hillfields, Burghfield Common, Reading,
Berkshire RG7 3YG. A company limited by guarantee registered in England
and Wales (291646) and a charity registered in England and Wales
(209617) and Scotland (SC038979)
Tel: 0118 983 5555 Email: Website:
www.guidedogs.org.uk