Organizational Changes at the North Pole

The recent announcement that Donner and Blitzen have elected to take the
early reindeer retirement package has triggered a good deal of concern about
whether they will be replaced, and about other restructuring decisions at
the North Pole. Streamlining was necessary due to the North Pole's loss of
dominance of the season's gift distribution business. Home shopping channels
and mail order catalogues have diminished Santa's market share. He could not
sit idly by and permit further erosion of the profit picture.

The reindeer downsizing was made possible through the purchase of a late
model Japanese sled for the CEO's annual trip. Improved productivity from
Dasher and Dancer, who summered at the Harvard Business School, is
anticipated. Reduction in reindeer will also lessen airborne environmental
emissions for which the North Pole has received unfavourable press. I am
pleased to inform you that Rudolph's role will not be disturbed. Tradition
still counts for something at the North Pole. Management denies, in the
strongest possible language, the earlier leak that Rudolph's nose got that
way, not from the cold, but from substance abuse. Calling Rudolph "a lush
who was into the sauce and never did pull his share of the load" was an
unfortunate comment, made by one of Santa's helpers and taken out of context
at a time of year when he is known to be under executive stress.

As a further restructuring, today's global challenges require the North Pole
to continue to look for better, more competitive steps. Effective
immediately, the following economy measures are to take place in the "Twelve
Days of Christmas" subsidiary:

The partridge will be retained, but the pear tree never turned out to be the
cash crop forecasted. It will be replaced by a plastic hanging plant,
providing considerable savings in maintenance.

The two turtle doves represent a redundancy that is simply not cost
effective. In addition, their romance during working hours could not be
condoned. The positions are therefore eliminated.

The three French hens will remain intact. After all, everyone loves the
French.

The four calling birds were replaced by an automated voice mail system, with
a call waiting option. An analysis is underway to determine who the birds
have been calling, how often and how long they talked.

The five golden rings have been put on hold by the Board of Directors.
Maintaining a portfolio based on one commodity could have negative
implications for institutional investors. Diversification into other
precious metals as well as a mix of Treasury Bills and high technology
stocks appear to be in order.

The six geese-a-laying constitutes a luxury which can no longer be afforded.
It has long been felt that the production rate of one egg per goose per day
is an example of the decline in productivity. Three geese will be let go,
and an upgrading in the selection procedure by personnel will assure
management that from now on every goose it gets will be a good one.

The seven swans-a-swimming is obviously a number chosen in better times. The
function is primarily decorative. Mechanical swans are on order. The current
swans will be retrained to learn some new strokes and therefore enhance
their outplacement.

As you know, the eight maids-a-milking concept has been under heavy scrutiny
by the Equal Employment Opportunity Commission. A male/female balance in the
workforce is being sought. The more militant maids consider this a dead-end
job with no upward mobility. Automation of the process may permit the maids
to try a-mending, a-mentoring or a-mulching.

Nine ladies dancing has always been an odd number. This function will be
phased out as these individuals grow older and can no longer do the steps.

Ten Lords-a-leaping is overkill. The high cost of Lords plus the expense of
international air travel prompted the Compensation Committee to suggest
replacing this group with ten out-of-work congressmen. While leaping ability
may be somewhat sacrificed, the savings are significant because we
expect an oversupply of unemployed congressmen this year.

Eleven pipers piping and twelve drummers drumming is a simple case of the
band getting too big. A substitution with a string quartet, a cutback on new
music and no uniforms will produce savings which will drop right down to the
bottom line.

We can expect a substantial reduction in assorted people, fowl, animals, and
other expenses. Though incomplete, studies indicate that stretching
deliveries over twelve days is inefficient. If we can drop ship in one day,
service levels will be improved. Regarding the lawsuit filed by the
attorney's association seeking expansion to include the legal profession
("thirteen lawyers-a-suing) action is pending.

Lastly, it is not beyond consideration that deeper cuts may be necessary in
the future to stay competitive. Should that happen, the Board will request
management to scrutinize the Snow White Division to see if seven dwarfs is
the right number.



--
"Our enemies are innovative and resourceful, and so are we.
They never stop thinking about new ways to harm our country
and our people, and neither do we."
- George W. Bush, 5.8.2004

On Mon, 13 Dec 2004 15:31:27 GMT, "Phil L"
wrote:

~Organizational Changes at the North Pole

lovely. Forwarded to quite a few folk!


--
jane

Don't part with your illusions. When they are gone,
you may still exist but you have ceased to live.
Mark Twain

Please remove onmaps from replies, thanks!

In article ,
says...
Organizational Changes at the North Pole

The four calling birds were replaced by an automated voice mail system, with
a call waiting option. An analysis is underway to determine who the birds
have been calling, how often and how long they talked.

Calling Birds? That'd be 'Colly Birds'.. as in black ones. I dunno
chinese whispers are even getting into print. I suppose you'll be
telling that you don't realise that the 5 gold rings are the rings
around the necks of the 5 pheasants or some other game bird and that
when the pub quiz guy aks how many birds there are in the 12 days if you
don't repeat buy the answer isn't 28?

Warwick-- feeling all traditional

Warwick wrote:
:: In article ,
:: says...
::: Organizational Changes at the North Pole
::
::: The four calling birds were replaced by an automated voice mail
::: system, with a call waiting option. An analysis is underway to
::: determine who the birds have been calling, how often and how long
::: they talked.
::
:: Calling Birds? That'd be 'Colly Birds'.. as in black ones. I dunno
:: chinese whispers are even getting into print.

Not chinese whispers as such, just general beliefs....yes it is colly birds
(as in four blackbirds) but can't blackbirds also be calling? - IE
singing?...or in this case yakking on the 'phone?

:-p