FROM: Patty Lewis, Human Resources Director

TO: All Employees

DATE: October 01, 2004

Christmas Party

I'm happy to inform you that the company Christmas Party will take
place on December 23, starting at noon
in the private function room at the Grill House. There will be a cash
bar and plenty of drinks! We'll have a small band playing traditional
carols...feel free to sing along. And don't be surprised if our CEO
shows up dressed as Santa Claus! A Christmas tree will be lit at 1:00
pm. Exchange of gifts among employees can be done at that time;
however, no gift should be over $10.00 to make the giving of gifts easy
for everyone's pockets. This gathering is only for employees! Our CEO
will make a special announcement at
that time!

Merry Christmas to you and your family.

Patty

================================================== ====

FROM: Patty Lewis, Human Resources Director

TO: All Employees

DATE: October 12, 2004

Holiday Party

In no way was yesterday's memo intended to exclude our Jewish
employees. We recognize that Chanukah is an important holiday, which
often coincides with Christmas, though unfortunately not this year.
However, from now on we're calling it our "Holiday Party." The same
policy applies to any other employees who are not Christians or those
still celebrating Reconciliation Day.

There will be no Christmas tree present. No Christmas carols sung. We
will have other types of music for your enjoyment.

Happy now?

Happy Holidays to you and your family.

Patty

================================================== ====

FROM: Patty Lewis, Human Resources Director

TO: All Employees

DATE: October 23, 2004

Holiday Party

Regarding the note I received from a member of Alcoholics Anonymous
requesting a non-drinking table . you didn't sign your name. I'm happy
to accommodate this request, but if I put a sign on a table that reads,
"AA Only", you wouldn't be anonymous anymore. How am I supposed to
handle this?

Somebody?

Forget about the gifts exchange; no gifts are allowed since the union
members feel that $10.00 is too much money and executives believe
$10.00 is a little chintzy.

NO GIFT EXCHANGE WILL BE ALLOWED.

================================================== ====

FROM: Patty Lewis, Human Resources Director

To: All Employees

DATE: November 04, 2004

Holiday Party

What a diverse group we are! I had no idea that December 20 begins the
Muslim holy month of Ramadan, which forbids eating and drinking during
daylight hours.

Well, there goes the party!

Seriously, we can appreciate how a luncheon at this time of year does
not accommodate our Muslim employees' beliefs. Perhaps the Grill House
can hold off on serving your meal until the end of the party, or else
package everything for you to take home in little foil doggy baggies.

Will that work?

Meanwhile, I've arranged for members of Weight Watchers to sit farthest
from the dessert buffet and pregnant women will get the table closest
to the restrooms.

Gays are allowed to sit with each other. Lesbians do not have to sit
with Gay men, each will have their own table. Yes, there will be
flower arrangement for the Gay men's table. To the person asking
permission to cross dress, no cross-dressing allowed though.

We will have booster seats for short people.

Low-fat food will be available for those on a diet. We cannot control
the salt used in the food we suggest for those people with high blood
pressure to taste first. There will be fresh fruits as dessert for
Diabetics, the restaurant cannot supply "No Sugar" desserts. Sorry!

Did I miss anything?!?!?

Patty

================================================== ====

FROM: Patty Lewis, Human Resources Director

TO: All ****ing Employees

DATE: November 29, 2004

The ****ing Holiday Party

Vegetarian pricks, I've had it with you people!!! We're going to keep
this party at the Grill House whether you like it or not, so you can
sit quietly at the table furthest from the "Grill of Death," as you so
quaintly put it, and you'll get your ****ing salad bar, including
organic tomatoes. But you know, tomatoes have feelings, too. THEY
SCREAM WHEN YOU SLICE THEM! I've heard them SCREAM!!! I'm hearing
them scream right NOW!!!

I hope you all have a rotten holiday! DRIVE DRUNK AND DIE!!!!!!

The Bitch from HELL!!!!!!!!


================================================== ====
FROM: Joan Bishop, Acting Human Resources Director

DATE: December 02, 2004

Patty Lewis and Holiday Party

I'm sure I speak for all of us in wishing Patty Lewis a speedy recovery
and I'll continue to forward your cards to her at the sanitarium.
In the meantime, management has decided to cancel our Holiday Party and
give everyone the afternoon of the 23rd off with full pay.

Happy Holidays!

"Sacha" wrote

FROM: Patty Lewis, Human Resources Director

TO: All Employees

DATE: October 01, 2004

Christmas Party

I'm happy to inform you that the company Christmas Party will take
place on December 23, starting at noon

((huge snip))

As someone who has been there, I loved it, and so will my Human Remains
Director friend. Thanks, needed a laugh.

--
Regards
Bob
In Runnymede, 17 miles West of London

Bob Hobden wrote:
"Sacha" wrote


FROM: Patty Lewis, Human Resources Director

TO: All Employees

DATE: October 01, 2004

Christmas Party

I'm happy to inform you that the company Christmas Party will take
place on December 23, starting at noon


((huge snip))

As someone who has been there, I loved it, and so will my Human Remains
Director friend. Thanks, needed a laugh.

Like all good humour it has a degree of truth.

Nice one. And folks wonder why I don't do works parties. Ours was on
Wednesday, I spent a lovely wet afternoon slithering over felled trees
dragging the winch cable behind me. Made plenty of work for everbody
to work off the fat after the holidays.

=================================================

Rod

Weed my email address to reply.
http://website.lineone.net/~rodcraddock/index.html

"Rod" wrote in message
...
Nice one. And folks wonder why I don't do works parties. Ours was on
Wednesday, I spent a lovely wet afternoon slithering over felled trees
dragging the winch cable behind me. Made plenty of work for everbody
to work off the fat after the holidays.


So what's been the best laugh you've had at a works do? A place I worked at
some years ago had the party organised by a suit who was renowned for either
duplicating or not doing things, and of course the more important, the more
likely to be wrong. So the employee who was playing santa stitched him up a
treat, the dance floor had two entrances and the suit was standing in front
of them , expecting santa to come through the one on the right and Ho ho ho
everyone to bits.

Whart happened was that a santa came through each of the doors into the
middle of the dance floor, "noticed" each other, then proceeded to have a
punch up in the middle of the floor.

When the suit realised he'd been stitched up, him and the proper Santa had a
furious row followed by a real punch up in the bar, and Santa got a bloody
nose for his trouble. The rest of us had a damn good giggle though.

Steve