Looking out on yet another dreary day and getting fed up with the lack of
weather suitable for gardening had made my spirits rather low. Proof that
every cloud really does have a silver lining arrived by email. The following
was sent to me by an old friend. Many of the howlers were known to me but
there were many new ones. Hopefully they will raise a smile with you.

Subject: History

The following were answers provided by 6th graders during history tests.

Watch the spelling! Some of the best humour is in the misspelling. Some of
these kids will grow up to be reporters (or local government officers).

1. Ancient Egypt was inhabited by mummies and they all wrote in
hydraulics.
They lived in the Sarah Dessert. The climate of the Sarah is such that all
the inhabitants have to live elsewhere.

2. Moses led the Hebrew slaves to the Red Sea where they made unleavened
bread, which is bread made without any ingredients. Moses went up on Mount
Cyanide to get the ten commandments. He died before he ever reached
Canada.

3. Solomon had three hundred wives and seven hundred porcupines.

4. The Greeks were a highly sculptured people, and without them we
wouldn't
have history. The Greeks also had myths. A myth is a female moth.

5. Socrates was a famous Greek teacher who went around giving people
advice.
They killed him. Socrates died from an overdose of wedlock. After his
death,
his career suffered a dramatic decline.

6. Julius Caesar extinguished himself on the battlefields of Gaul. The
Ides
of March murdered him because they thought he was going to be made king.
Dying, he gasped out: "Tee hee, Brutus."

7. Joan of Arc was burnt to a steak and was canonised by Bernard Shaw.

8. Queen Elizabeth was the "Virgin Queen." As a queen she was a success.
When she exposed herself before her troops they all shouted "hurrah."

9. It was an age of great inventions and discoveries. Gutenberg invented
removable type and the Bible. Another important invention was the
circulation of blood. Sir Walter Raleigh is a historical figure because he
invented cigarettes and started smoking.

10. Sir Francis Drake circumcised the world with a 100-foot clipper.

11. The greatest writer of the Renaissance was William Shakespeare. He was
born in the year 1564, supposedly on his birthday. He never made much
money
and is famous only because of his plays. He wrote tragedies, comedies, and
hysterectomies, all in Islamic pentameter. Romeo and Juliet are an
exampleof a heroic couple. Romeo's last wish was to be laid by Juliet.

12. Writing at the same time as Shakespeare was Miguel Cervantes. He wrote
Donkey Hote. The next great author was John Milton. Milton wrote
Paradise Lost. Then his wife died and he wrote Paradise Regained.

13. Delegates from the original 13 states formed the Contented Congress.
Thomas Jefferson, a Virgin, and Benjamin Franklin were two singers of the
Declaration of Independence. Franklin discovered electricity by rubbing
twocats backward and declared, "A horse divided against itself cannot
stand."
Franklin died in 1790 and is still dead.

14. Abraham Lincoln became America's greatest Precedent. Lincoln's mother
died in infancy, and he was born in a log cabin which he built with his
own
hands. Abraham Lincoln freed the slaves by signing the Emasculation
Proclamation. On the night of April 14, 1865, Lincoln went to the theatre
and got shot in his seat by one of the actors in a moving picture show.
They
believe the assinator was John Wilkes Booth, a supposingly insane actor.
This ruined Booth's career.

15. Johann Bach wrote a great many musical compositions and had a large
number of children. In between, he practised on an old spinster which he
kept up in his attic. Bach died from 1750 to the present. Bach was the
most famous composer in the world and so was Handel. Handel was half
German,
half Italian, and half English. He was very large.

16. Beethoven wrote music even though he was deaf. He was so deaf he wrote
loud music. He took long walks in the forest even when everyone was
calling
for him. Beethoven expired in 1827 and later died for this.

17. The nineteenth century was a time of a great many thoughts and
inventions. People stopped reproducing by hand and started reproducing by
machine. The invention of the steamboat caused a network of rivers to
spring
up. Cyrus McCormick invented the McCormick raper, which did the work
of a hundred men. Louis Pasteur discovered a cure for rabbits. Charles
Darwin was a naturalist who wrote the Organ of the Species. Madman Curie
discovered the radio. Karl Marx became one of the Marx Brothers

In article , Peter Crosland
writes
Watch the spelling! Some of the best humour is in the misspelling. Some of
these kids will grow up to be reporters (or local government officers).

Off topic or not - I enjoyed that.
--
Judith Lea